It's not all black and white

Last breath

I've been tired of living,
consumed by pain,
wave after wave and I am drowning.
I've never been understood,
my feelings a bit too difficult to deal with.
The fear of abandonment forcing me to go above and beyond,
to make you stay,
but the fear of never being good enough,
makes me push you away.
"You are what your truamas made you"
the voices remind me.
As the years go by I beg for my last breath,
the breath that relieves me from my heartache.
Days have become unbearable,
and nights overwhelmed by memories and suffering.
I have lost my hope,
my will,
and my strength.
"I will not make it past 21"
a constant thought in the back of my mind,
it's like a ringing phone,
or siren.
Let's play two truths one lie, I'll go first...
"I love you,"
I just don't know how to show you.
"I'm okay, see I'm smiling"
"I want to dissappear"
So completely that I don't even recognize myself.
Did you get it?
The lie I mean?
The lie that has been my whole life,
pretending to be okay for the comfort of others just so that you don't have to worry.
That's the thing though,
it's a little too late to start worrying now.