𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧 **𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐮𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫**

the diary of secrets

I haven't written in you for quite some time and I just don't think I could find any motivation to. I'm dissatisfied, I've never felt so dissatisfied in my life. I want Tristan, I want a good college, I want Javon to be happy, because I see the look on his face each time he doesn't see my dad at my house, and I want to be happy with myself.

I pray every night, to something higher than myself, anything, to listen and to help me. I don't pray often but I found myself on my knees, tears in my eyes, begging Someone to hear me, someone to answer my desperate cries for some kind of help. 

I am dissatisfied and if you held the secrets to help me, it would help open a door I lost hope in.

Will the person higher than us ever really answer my question? Maybe it's simply because I don't deserve it, but I feel I do.

I feel so alone in my body, and in my mind, I'm always thinking and sometimes I pray. I might just pray more often because if Something or Someone could help clear me of whatever I feel I think my life would be a lot brighter. 

Javon doesn't look happy anymore, and I prayed that he finds a comfort I can't give. If this Someone won't help me, he could at least help Javon. I know he would have to help Javon. He couldn't not help Javon. I see the way Javon sits alone and the tears in his eyes when he walks home by himself because his mother forgot to pick him up again. I pray that he finds comfort I can't give. 

My mother has been reverting back to her old ways. Her little nice thing must have just been a cold coming on strong and altering her brain. There is no scientific explanation for such, but to me that could be the only reason. 

I hate to say it but I think of Tristan everyday now, non-stop. The dance is coming up and I think he might not be able to go with someone this year, especially after the way he held me. Tha had to mean something, because maybe he liked me.

Tonight, I might just pray again. I need something good to happen to me soon.

I need to be able to believe that someone cares for me so deeply that they would be there to aid my problems. I want to feel satisfied with myself. 

Love, Eloise

She put her pen down and stuffed the journal under her mattress. She looked to her nightstand where her pill bottle lay, and she put one on her tongue and got water to chug it down. 

She put herself back down as she started to feel her mind numb. 

God, life was good when you couldn't feel anything at all.