Messy by Choice

Mess 16 (Lenox)

Beaches at night are probably going to be on the no date list too. I've got to stop being so pushy with Ally. What was I expecting anyways? With all those dumb questions that were just driving her away. But there's headway being made. She might laugh at me and call me an idiot for those stupid romantic gestures, but they were cracking her armor. I could see it in her eyes and when she said, 'There's no one but you I want fucking me.'

I think I masturbated to that three times the next morning. And then set out to Barnes and Noble in what I knew would be a vain attempt at getting closer to working her out. I open my uncharged book as soon as I get home.

Nietzsche had some pretty solid ideals in some respects, and some I didn't quite understand.

'Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.'

For the life of me I couldn't comprehend or interpret his meaning. Or why Ally had grouped abysses and love in the same category. Her roommate warning came back to mind. She's hurt. I needed to figure out by what. Ally doesn't seem the type to be hurt over a guy in a past relationship. According to John she never even had a relationship serious enough to introduce to the family. There was the matter of her parents but with what a good family she had otherwise I don't think she'd be that affected by a divorce.

I keep reading and just about throw away the damn book when I find all of Nietzsche's fucked-up thoughts on love.

'Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired that we love.'

'The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions.'

'A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.'

'One can promise actions, but not feelings, for the latter, are involuntary. He who promises to love forever or hate forever or be forever faithful to someone is promising something that is not in his power.'

'Sensuality often makes love grow too quickly so that the root remains weak and is easy to pull out.'

'Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.'

'Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.'

'Love brings to light the lofty and hidden characteristics of the lover - what is rare and exceptional in him: to that extent it can easily be deceptive with respect to what is normal in him.'

'Out of love, women become entirely what is is that they are in the imaginations of the men who love them.'

That gets me annoyed as shit. No wonder she was so dismissive of my feelings. If she was a fan of this guy, which I could glean from the fact her sketchbook also featured one of his quotes, then no wonder she kept me at such arm's length.

If Nietzsche really did shape Ally's belief on how men love, I'm going to invent time travel to beat some sense into the German before he could fuck up Allys. Then I'll come back to modern times to an entirely new Ally, one who is all over me and besides herself in joy every time I shower her in affection and gentlemanly gestures of good intentions, because that would work? No, time travel would be too easy. Ally isn't easy and probably neither were those issues her roommate hinted at.

I really wonder what had hurt her so bad. Because it probably wasn't the daddy issues she's inherited from a 1800's intellectual's musings.

Speaking of intellectuals, Blaise and Pete are at the sports bar and goading me into coming with lovely texts of,