Messy by Choice

Mess 29 (Ally)

I never thought I'd be walking out to here comes the bride so soon at a wedding with Lenox. Even just as wedding dates. Gods were still probably a good decade and thousands of dollars invested into therapy for me before we'll ever broach that topic. I'm working on things. Far from done with my fuck girl shit but the progress is in acknowledging it. I walk down the aisle as the flower girl. Same as I did 20 years ago to Uncle Ale's second wife. Well, third times a charm. I don't stand with the bridesmaid since they're filled with Susan's picks and I'm pretty sure she's still weary of my intentions over her soon to be husband.

I blow a kiss to Uncle Ale standing at the gondola. He winks back as I take my front row seat next to Lenox. Susan's walks herself down slowly and arm in arm with my grandmother.

"You think this is a shotgun wedding?" Lenox asks me as they shuffle up the altar.

"They did push it along suspiciously fast," I say.

He laughs. Aunt Gracie warns us to be quiet with her eyes. We both blanche like two kids caught talking in church. It's May, a month after Uncle Ale proposed to Susan on Easter. But they pushed things along because, why not? What did being in love have to do with time or age? Especially when so much of it is wasted on pointless other lesser things like the stress of worrying about the consequences of love. See how far I'm coming along?

The catholic priest has a long and languished speech on matrimony and I can't help cracking jokes with Lenox in the meantime. "Should have been me," I say, shaking my head.

Lenox smiles, but refrains from laughing. "I'm just happy not to be up against him in competition for you anymore," he says, blowing out a deep breath of relief. "He was a toughy."

"And had such good health insurance," I add, like I'm still wistful and spiteful for it.

"Ok, truth," Lenox whispers as were hushed to shut up by Aunt Gracie. "Was marrying great Uncle Ale a play for his health insurance?"

"Vets get amazing health insurance," I reply. "And I only have three more months to be on my parents."

"Bet I get even better."

"Bet if you keep insinuating any more marriage talk in the guise of a joke I'll run away again."

Lenox sticks his tongue out at me like a little kid. It makes me laugh. Lenox looks more presentable than the groom. Not so much an achievement with current standards but he'd still have out done himself regardless with his dark gray high price tag tailored suit set. The pants are very tight to the crotch, and I can't help that my eyes wander. Lenox catches where my eyes roam and whispers in my ear.

"Can you hold yourself back from eye fucking me until at least after the vows?"

I roll my eyes. "Did you really have to wear such a slutty suit? It leaves nothing for the imagination."

"It was the only one I had on hand. It's from work."

"Oh?" I ask, "And are lawyers advised to wear something so form fitting in hopes to distract their opponent?"

"I plead the fifth," he says. I laugh and Aunt Gracie shushes us again.

We're quiet as we listen to Great Uncle Ale pour his heart out to Susan. And to my surprise he doesn't do the usual biblical verse but quotes Nietzsche. "Love is not consolation, it is the light." And goes on and on about Susan being his light.

"Huh," I say, "Didn't think he'd quote Nietzsche."

"Fuck that guy," Lenox says. "No wonder you were so weary of a guy's feelings. It was like he was trying to cockblock his entire gender for generations to come."