Messy by Choice

Mess 27 (Lenox)

Four weeks. A month without seeing Ally except for that night I made her cry. Good she needed to cry. To break out her emotions. God, I hated making her cry. And I absolutely can't fucking stand not talking to her. It's all the really little things I miss the most. Her smell. The twinkles in her eye when she gets playful. Feeling my heart jump every time I get any kind of notification just in case it might be her.  I don't even miss sex. I miss her. And I've lost all libido since losing Ally. Even trying to grasp onto a naked image of her makes me just want to see her, realize I can't, and the horniness turns into anguish. So, I do the least sexually stimulating inducing thing possible and have the guys over.

I must look as bad as I feel because Pete's not even through my door before he opens his case of beer and forces one into my hand.

"Save yourself the time and money, Len," he says, "Your options from the start were either deal with it or lose her."

Blaise doubles down and agrees and shows it by clicking our beers together.

I fucking knew that, but it still hurts to be played even in a game I was a willingly a participant of. John's behind them. Which was awkward enough. But he just rolls his eyes and helps him and his two pizzas inside.

"Seriously, Len," John sighs. "I've seen you get over girls before you've even had sex with them. What about Ally has you so caught up?"

I shrug. Was I supposed to talk to John about my attraction to his cousin? It didn't seem completely right, but I didn't think they were even that close. Still, it felt touching on inappropriate. But I had been wanting to talk about her forever to no one who would get it. They wouldn't get it. The only person who I even felt like would understand me was painfully, Ally. It must be awkward for them. I'm being a really bad host with a terrible poker face.

"Well, I think Len's real problem is something we've all known for a long time now," Blaise says in sudden somberness. We all turn to him with questioning eyes. "It was because you've always been secretly in love with John and Ally was the closest connect you could land to him after his sister got married."

No one laughs and then a second later we all burst out laughing.

"My god we've got ourselves a Sherlock," I say.

"I always felt the sexual tension brewing between you too," Pete adds on. "Always making me a third wheel."

Me and John laugh. But I can't laugh for longer than a few seconds before my thoughts drift back to Ally and I'm back to showing my terrible poker face. Lawyer job is going to be in serious jeopardy if I don't get it under control.

John must pity me because he starts talking. "Well, if it's been anything recent between you too it might be because my mom told me Ally's been having a pretty shitty time lately." 

I get immediately concerned. 

"Ally's mom has always been tough on her. I even watched her mom lay into her on Christmas and apparently Ally cut her off. Told her she doesn't want her to see her as her daughter anymore. Even handed her a check for like thirty grand as severance I guess."

"When was this?" I ask, concern high in my voice.

"Last weekend?" John estimates.

It was after our fight. Was it because of our fight? I was being a sucker again to imagine it was. But...

"I don't know how much Ales has told you, but her dad left almost a decade ago and no one's really heard from him since," John shrugs like it's something to just be brushed aside. Just like Ally would probably do. This family is no longer borderline crazy, they're full-blown psychos. "So, I don't know, maybe she's used to it, but it might be why she's pulled back."

I want to text Ally. Get her over here as quickly as possible or go to her. Let her talk it through or cry into my chest. I'm supposed to be hating her. I haven't hated her for even one second. I just spent the entire time wanting to see her. I really want to see her now.

Blaise scuffs. "Oh, come on!" he says. "That's such a lame excuse for how she's played you, Len."

Pete nods in agreement. "She's just a bitch that led you along to mess with you."

"Hey, watch it!" Me and John warn him at the same time.

John looks me over again, contemplating something then sighs. "Uncle Ale's 99th birthday is coming up."

I try not to react. My heart skips a beat with my hope. "Is that so?"