Messy by Choice

Mess 28 (Lenox)

I really am the worse fucking sucker of all suckers. Maybe borderline stalker. Patrick Bateman type proportions as I show up to Mrs. Lynn's house again. She smiles like she knows something. She doesn't try to take up any of my time with polite conversation while she accepts my offered key lime pie, instead she points me in the direction I think everyone here knows I'm heading.

Ally is talking with Uncle Reedy as his youngest balances on her hip. She looks good, but sad? Could Ally feel enough emotion to get sad?

When Uncle Reedy points me out, Ally's face falls. I'm worried she'll run. She seems to contemplate it before steeling her nerves and giving her little cousin over to his father.

I approach her slowly. She's still a flight risk. With the way my heart is beating I feel like I am too, but I'm not a coward. I've been stupid this whole time but never once a coward afraid to face how I feel. Now I have to make her face it too and pray it doesn't end the same.

"Could we?"

Ally nods tensely. "Let's go to the backyard."

No one's outside but she still makes me follow after her until we reach the huge willow tree by the lake.

She faces the dock with her back to me and just from her stance I can tell she feels unsure of herself. I hate seeing her without confidence. It doesn't suit her. But maybe showing real emotion is actually a good sign. I've got to take it as such to move with stupid brave hope again.

Ally sighs and then groans and then kicks the base of the Willow tree. "How is this so awkward right now?" she whisper screams. "There isn't a literally physical part of me your tongue hasn't touched but what the hell is up with this tension?!"

I let out a sparse laugh. "Glad I'm not the only one who feels it."

Ally drops her head until her hair hangs in front of her face, like how the Spanish moss on the willow tree occludes itself. "You're not the only one who felt things."

"Felt?" I specify. Heart wrenching evident on my horrible poker face.

"Feels." She unleashes me from emotional torment. Probably not for long. She steadies something in her face and turns to face me. "You want the truth."

I nod. I'm a mad masochist for her after all.

"I used to be a people pleasing push-over because that's how I thought I earned love. And when I figured out that was bullshit I gave up on believing that love was even possible. And now I've been...." She pauses and sighs. "I've been trying not to let people in who will take advantage of everything I'll do for the ones I care about. Caring takes a lot. I don't half ass things like everyone always does. And then it's years wasted because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings who didn't even give a shit about mine to begin with."

My jaw is clenching. "I'm going to find that guy and I'm going to kill him."

It almost makes her laugh, if she wasn't so sad looking I might have laughed with her. "Lenox, don't miss the point here. I'm not harping on a past relationship that keeps me from fully investing in one with you. I'm not investing in this because I don't want to. If I want you it's as a small fraction of my life, and you want to make me the biggest part of yours."

I must not look happy, but I don't look caught off guard either because I'm not. "I know. I know you're not looking for anything, and I wasn't either. Honestly there's no definition of what I'm looking for, I just know whatever that is involves you."

"Still?" Ally asks. "Even after..."

"Ally." I come to her rescue now. I can't help myself when she looks so sad. "You were being completely transparent about what you wanted. You never lead me on and I had no right to get so upset because I expected you to change for me. I really never should have expected or pushed for that, I'd hoped because..." I pause dumb idiot courage don't fail me now. "Truth?"

Ally nods tentatively. I breathe to relax to be able to express something this raw to a girl who's already broken my heart more than once. "I'm so stupidly in love with you that if you even allow me a sliver of your time and self, I would gladly take it because nothing else feels even an ounce near as good as just being with you."

Ally has tears in her eyes and she's a stupid pretty crier when she lets her real emotions show. "You're going to be so disappointed in me in the future," she says.

I laugh and move closer. "I'm disappointed in you now and can't help but love you."

She's blushing, crying, and hiding behind her flouncy hair again. Maybe that's why she keeps it so long. "You should want better for yourself." 

I roll my eyes. She's always trying to get the last word in.

"You should just shut up," I say and kiss her. There's whooping and cheers from an audience we didn't know we had. I think I hear Mrs. Lynn shout, "I got that recorded!"