Grace

1- hunter.

Trigger warning.

It was almost midnight as I wiped my last tear. I couldn't take it anymore. Day after day of constant arguing. My heart was breaking more with every tear that rolled off my cheek and down my neck. I was so tired of crying over the same things over and over again.

We had just gotten into a huge argument. He just slammed the front door shut and I heard the car starting. Another night where he didn't come home. Which means another night of me crying myself to sleep. I'm sure he went to the bar. It's where he always went. It's where we always went. 

He's used to me chasing after him. He expects me to chase after him. He tells me he's done with me and then he gets mad when I don't call. It never made any sense. He told me all the time how much he loved me, but he really didn't mean it. He loved me in his own fucked up ways. 

I called my best friend Angel. She was my rock. "Hunter did it again... he cheated on me," I cried to her, almost choking on my words. It technically wasn't cheating, but he was flirting with lots women behind my back. It felt as though if it were cheating. He did actually cheat on me before, so I expect it to happen again, if it hasn't already. It worried me that he goes to the bar when he's upset with me. 

My heart ached, but this is what I was used to. It's happened countless times now, the women and yet I still loved him. I was so drained from all that he's done. I did not want to do this anymore. But I continued doing it. I felt as if I'm stuck in this cycle. I can't get out. I'm not strong enough to leave. I've always believed that.

I almost didn't recognize myself anymore. Who was this person that's scared to leave someone who didn't even deserve for me to stay? He didn't deserve all the love and care that I gave him. I always bent over backwards to make him happy when all he ever did was break my heart.

He never hit me. But he mentally abused me more times than I could ever begin to count. I'm not entirely innocent. I did it back. It was a toxic love. One that I never imagined I'd be stuck in. Although, a lot of the time I had wish I was strong enough to leave.

I took the flowers he bought me and threw them off the balcony. He can take his flowers and shove it. They landed in the spot where the neighbors' dog pees everyday. Good. Perfect spot. I hoped he noticed them when he gets back home.

The last time we fought, he bought me flowers when I told him I didn't want to stay with him anymore. They felt like forced flowers. He would never buy me flowers when we weren't arguing.

I packed my bags to stay a few days at Angel's house. It basically became a tradition. Every time Hunter cheated on me, and every time any other boys broke my heart. I always knew where to go. I always knew where I felt most like home. I always knew where I belonged. Angel's house.

We'd get "snackies" from the dollar store, jiffy pop from the grocery store and we'd watch our favorite movies: Mamma Mia, The Conjuring movies, Fifty Shades of Grey, High School Musical. The list goes on and ranges in all genres.

I would snuggle up next to her while I would cry on her shoulder. She'd let me. She probably didn't want to, but she always let me. However, I know she didn't mind me there. She just hated seeing me sad. She saw me sad too much. But she had never seen me this sad before. The constant cycle of Hunter.

I wanted to be done with Hunter, but I know I wasn't going to leave him. I never did. I couldn't picture of life without him. Maybe it's just what they call a "trauma bond".

This time I didn't follow him to the bar like I usually do. I was done chasing after him and just ready to go to Angel's house. She lived an hour away. I had a long drive to sit and cry. I grabbed my go bags and walked out the apartment door quickly. I always had a bag packed and ready to go. This happened way too often. I was hoping my neighbors didn't call the police from all the yelling. Why is this my reality?  They have called a few times in the past. We would get into pretty heavy arguments where we just yelled and screamed at one another.

As much as I didn't want anyone to notice me, I slammed the car door shut when I got in. I tossed my bag in the back seat. Tears were still streaming down my face, sliding into my mouth now. They tasted like a dull ocean. Definitely salty though. I hated my tears of saddness. I hated feeling that sad. I was in a constant state of feeling drained and empty.

I listened to all my favorite songs on the way to Angel's house. The long car ride gave me enough time to hear all my favorite songs. And trust me, I sang my heart out the whole way there. Still cried with some moments, but singing as loud as I could, somehow took some of the pain away. I liked all music, just how I liked my movies too.

When I pulled up to Angel's house, there were only two lights on. Her living room light and the front porch light. She was sitting outside on the porch in a wicker tan chair with her knees to her chest and a cup of coffee in her hands. It wasn't cold outside, but it was late. Way past midnight... I was surprised the bar was still open. It was a Wednesday night.

I rolled down the window, nodded my head up to her and asked, "you got any more whiskey?"

She laughed. "What do you think is in my coffee?" She is one of the coolest people I know. She somehow managed to survive on three hours of sleep every night. I had no clue how she does it. I need at least eight to function. Maybe it's the whiskey. She always has a bottle of Jack Daniels sitting next to her. Although, she's never sloppy.

It might sit there, but she's not always drinking it every second of the day. I admired her ability to get work done from home while she was sipping. I admired everything she did. She was sort of like a big sister to me. I never had any siblings, so I never knew how it felt to have a sister until I had met her.

This time we laid on the couch. I rested my head on her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair. I was focused on the movie, but she could still see the tears falling and me nonchalantly trying to wipe them away. I didn't want her to notice. I know she hated seeing me cry. 

She didn't say anything. She knew no matter what she said to me, I would never leave Hunter on someone else's terms. So she took her thumb and wiped away a tear she caught early, one that hadn't fallen yet. As much as I wanted to stay up talking and laughing, I was so tired from all my crying, I fell asleep on the couch.

I didn't even get a chance to drink any whiskey. Or in my preference, rum. Angel always has spare bottle of rum for me. Sometimes she gets liquor for holiday gifts, but she doesn't drink it unless it's Jack Daniels. She usually saves the rest for me. She'll give me the leftover gifts in place of picking something out for me for Christmas. I always loved her gifts.