Baby chibi is a pain

Not an update again

I just need to vent out my pent up frustrations. It's 3 am, I can't sleep nor can I cry. Just a million thoughts running through my head

Tired yet?
Of life aren't we?
But with no desire to die

Do you also wish... that you could just cease to exist? No, not die, but rather just not exist. 
It's a burden to be remembered
It's easier to be forgotten
you cease to exist
for that some reason feels so freeing, doesn't it
No "why?", no "Come back", nothing
just pure bliss
no more days when your heart feels heavy, but not enough to cry
when your eyes feel tired, but not enough to sleep
days when words hurt, but not enough to destroy
but enough to keep brushing against the wound
scaling the healing scab away
everytime it tries to heal
it rubs again and again
to the point there's a permanent scar
do you have days where you don't want to talk to anyone
but you can't do that because they'd be worried
so you just talk
with a smile
even when your heart screams
RUN AWAY
I AM TIRED OF TRUSTING
I AM TIRED OF LOVING
I AM TIRED OF FEELING
I HATE FEELING HAPPY
I HATE FEELING SAD, ANGRY, EXCITED
It doesn't feel right
it's scary
as if when I'll get sad, someone will come and hold my hand, assure me everything is fine
but when I'll feel happy they'll say "I wish you die. You're a lustful object for everyone"
WHO TF SAYS THAT TO A FRIEND?? WHO TF EVEN THINKS THAT ABOUT A FRIEND WHEN  THEY'RE ACTIVELY FRIENDS WITH
When you claimed to be my best friend years ago, I was so happy
And you claim I'm fake
When I fought for you when no one else did
You told your bf to harass me
When you asked me crying years ago to fight in your place because he didn't listen to you
Do I hate you?

I don't think so

I don't hate you

I resent every fibre of your existence
I am so full of rage, it's tiring
It has no place to go
You could come and apologise and I'll slap you I'll slap you so hard that you'll understand my pain
Don't claim to be true and call me fake 
to tell me you actively thought I was a sl*t and I cried for attention
I told no one
No one that I cut until it was overwhelming to bear
I was gonna kill myself, and you say I cried for attention from boys?
I'm so hurt right now, that I've stopped feeling pain
I just feel numb

And that's why I'll thank you
For reminding me how alone I was, and I can only trust myself
For making this mess just before my exam
To your bf for calling my parents, you showed me how low you can go
Thanks to you, I learnt to feel nothing, to smile through tears, to resent communication

But most of all,
I realised that 
I hate the world. The whole world
thank you

This is a reminder to you all to never let anyone get too close, or even if they do, not to let yourself get too close. It hurts when most of your friends say "I think she's fake" when you make efforts for them that they don't even know about. 

Well that was it for my rant

Thanks for reading

Babye~❤