The Girl by the Sea (Countryhumans AU)

Capsized Ship

Written: March 22, 2024

So this is what I am:

Just a bother.

Just a burden.

Unwanted even to the person I loved the most.

None of them deserve to deal with my problems any longer. Not Japan, not South Korea, not North Korea, not Australia, not anyone. All I am is an effective waste of oxygen.

They don't need me.

They're better off without me.

I love them.

And soon, they'll realize the measures I'd go to just for their happiness.

It would be better if I just disappeared.

And that's just how far I'll go.

"Unwanted." That one word hits me like a sledgehammer as an overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness consumes me. It's like everything I've been trying to outrun has finally caught up to me. My mind spirals to a dark place, and I begin to believe that it would be better for everyone if I left them for good.

Why am I even here? Just to test the limits of people's patience? It's like my mere existence is one long trial to test everyone's patience. Like every day, I'm just another hurdle for people to jump over. I'm nothing but a source of frustration and irritation for other people to get angry at and grow tired of.

I find myself ruminating over the fact that I even disappointed South as well, despite him being so open and caring toward me. I can't help but blame myself for everything, and my thoughts begin to spiral further and further into a darker place.

"He would've been happier with someone who didn't remind him of his issues." I whisper to myself.

And Japan. Dear, sweet Anee-chan. I'm so sorry. The image of Japan's caring and gentle face crosses my mind, and I can't help my heart aching at the thought of hurting her as well. The guilt and shame of my issues suddenly feel like a weight that's pulling me down towards the depths of despair.

"She would've been so happy with someone who can love her properly and be there for her. I'm wasting her time for nothing..." I whisper to myself.

Suddenly, a myriad of memories flash through my mind:

Dancing with South and learning Eisa together.

Giggling and gossiping with Japan.

Constantly poking North when he was in the ICU just to see if he'd wake up and shove me so I can be relieved.

That sweet, sweet kiss with Australia.

Then, I think of what they could've been doing without me.
It's as if my own mind is torturing me with thoughts of what they could've done and could've been without me interfering.

Suddenly, my mind fills with images of them living life to its fullest without me dragging them down. The feelings of guilt and shame grow stronger within me as I allow myself to become consumed by these thoughts and images.

"They would've been so much happier. I'm holding them back..." I mumble to myself. I sit by Habu Babu's terrarium where he's peacefully asleep. I sigh and gaze at the snake. He should be there to father his future hatchlings. He deserves to be with Bertha under Australia's care.

I chuckle softly to myself as I glance over at my ankle. Round purple blotches paint my leg as if someone flicked a watercolor brush at me. Snake bite scars from my lovely pet. I feel almost strangely at ease with them, as if they're a badge ofmy own stupidity and recklessness.