all too well // august horn av årnäs x reader

17

TW for this chapter - family deaths and suicide mentions.
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god i'm so stupid.

i stared at august from across the library, closing my eyes in frustration.

he was sitting with nils and two other friends of his and hadn't looked in my direction even once. and i've been here for an hour.

so much for "not getting played" that now the guy hates me.

we haven't spoke since... you know,

the incident.

but honestly i wouldn't speak to me either. i mean who even does that?
i don't know if he'll ever even want to talk to me again.

my thoughts were broken and i was snapped back into reality by the sound of madison's voice.

"y/n? hello?"
she waved her hand over my face.

i looked at her.
"...yeah?"

"what's with you?"

"what do you mean?" i asked, trying to act stupid. i didn't feel like talking about my feelings at the moment.

"i asked you about the parent's day dinner and you just stared off into space like you were getting war flashbacks or something."

"sorry."
"what about it?"

i hadn't heard anything about a parents day happening.

"are your parents going?"

parentS?

"uh- my dad is probably coming."

"and your mom?"

the whole time i had been friends with her, or anyone from hillerska for a matter of fact, i hadn't muttered a word about my mother. i didn't know how to drop the big bombshell of what happened to her without making the room go silent or without making them feel pity for me.

"she... can't really go."

maddy, i like you. you're a great friend, but please, don't make me say it.

"well that's mean. why not?" she asked curiously.

"she's uh..."
"she died. eight months ago."

her face dropped.
"oh my god, i am so sorry."

yeah.
boating accident.

"it's okay."

"you never mentioned anything about it." she replied quietly.

"i'm aware." i laughed. not loud enough for anyone to hear though.

"um... anyways. did you hear that august's mom is gonna bring her boyfriend?" she asked trying to derail the conversation.

"no, i didn't."
"are his parents divorced?"

august never mentioned his parents to me. the only "family" he spoke to me about was erik, crown prince erik, who was his second cousin and wille's brother.

"no, his dad like... committed suicide when he was younger."

"jesus."

"i can't believe his mom would get a new boyfriend after that."

"i feel so bad for august."

i was convinced that august's home life was perfect- apparently not everything is always how it seems.
he was the last person i would've thought had gone through something similar to me.

if im being honest, i didn't like talking about my mom because kids my age never understood it all the way. most of them didn't know what grief felt like or what it was like to lose a parent; especially while being grown and fully conscious of everything that happened. it hurts worse because you *know* what it means.
whenever i tell people, they have the same reaction as maddy. they go wide-eyed and apologised over and over again for bringing my mom up; as if its their fault.

this discovery made me feel even shittier than i felt before. i'm one of the only trustable people in the school and now august probably felt like he was stuck with his old friends again. 

maddys eyebrows perked up at the mention of his name.
"talking about him, what happened between you two?"

"what do you mean?" i asked innocently.

"you two were stuck at each others hips and practically about to get married and suddenly you're not anymore."

"oh."
"we just realised we weren't similar."

"so it's over between you two?"

ouch, maddy.

"we weren't- we didn't-"
i sighed.
"yeah." i said.

i turned my head around, the same direction where his table was at.
i couldn't help but begin thinking about what would've happened if i hadn't panicked before. i had one of the biggest players of the school in the palm of my hand, and i just let him fall out like small sand particles through the cracks of my fingers.

he must've felt me staring at him, because he turned his head and we made eye contact.

shit.

i looked down and sighed.