all too well // august horn av årnäs x reader

23

TW: grief and suicide implications.

i placed my hand gently on his shoulder, making sure not to startle him, then sat down beside him.
"hi."

he replied with a soft smile.

"how are you feeling?" i asked.

wille was quiet before speaking up.
"som skit."
(like shit)

i sighed.
"...yeah."

"jag..." (i...) he began, but then scoffed and shook his head.

"you what?" i questioned, hoping he wouldn't just brush it off.
i could tell there was something bothering him apart from the obvious.

"i feel like..."
"like it was my fault."
he said quietly.

"how come?"

"i would always tell him to speed up when driving. that if he didn't, he was a pussy."
"and now he died because he was going too fast."

"but that's not your fault."

"but it is." he said laughing frustrated.

"but it's not."
i breathed out.
"you said that probably long before it happened... how were you supposed to know?"

"i don't know. i just- i should have."

"you can never predict accidents, wille. that's why they're called accidents."

"jag vet."
(i know)
"i don't understand, why erik?"

i didn't know the answer to his question myself. it was something i had been wondering since my mom died. why OUR loved ones? why not let them spend the rest of time with us? why take them away so soon?

i remained quiet.

he buried his face in his hands and i heard his quiet sobs.
"det borde ha varit jag." he said.
(it should have been me.)

it's hard to comfort people when you understand their thoughts and feelings.

i wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. he hugged me back tightly.

"i get where you are coming from but you can't undo it. thinking like that won't help- believe me. now... now you just-"
"you just try to make him proud." i spoke softly.

wilhelm replied through the tears.
"i wish i could've stopped him."

"i know."

after a few minutes he calmed down and pulled away sniffling.

"i'm sorry."
he said as he wiped the remaining tears off his face.

"it's okay."

we talked for some time and then decided to get food together. he told me he wanted to go to bjärstad for some reason. i only agreed.

we sat down at a table together at this cozy french restaurant we'd found. it was lit up with candles and other yellow ambient lighting. the place smelled of bread and wine mixed with some sweet perfume, which i assumed was being emitted by some of the candles.
the table was small and wille's seat was next to the wall, so he didn't have much space to move around.

wilhelm took of his school blazer due to the warm temperature to the place. he looked around for where to put it but the only space we had available was the empty wooden table surface in front of us.

"i'll hold it for you."

he nodded and handed me it. i placed the dark red blazer on top of my backpack. which was on the ground so it wouldn't get dirty from the floor.

when we left, he went back to his own dorm and i went back to mine.

i unlocked my door, holding my backpack and something else. i opened it and stepped afoot inside. the first thing i noticed as i looked in front of me was my window was half open, and to the right, there was a figure sitting on my bed.

it was none other than august.

i was startled for a second but seeing it was just him i calmed down quickly.

i looked at him confused.
"what are you doing here?"

he looked at me, his face slightly hurt.
"you weren't here and i had said i would come. i tried texting you but- you wouldn't reply"

that's when i realised he had said that earlier and i had forgotten about it.

"oh- yes. i remember."

he was about to speak when he looked at my arm, which i had just noticed had wilhelm's school blazer on it.

i had forgotten to give it back.

august was awfully good at noticing small details like these. so he picked up it wasn't mine, as i was still wearing it.

"what's that?"
he pointed at my arm.

i wanted to lie; i knew wille and i didn't do anything but id seen how upset august could get over things involving him.

"it's... a blazer."
i responded.

"but- who does it belong to?"
he furrowed his brows.

i sighed.

"wille."