They Don't Know About Us

Chapter 48

"Sabi sayo nabugbog lang eh," Sasha said to her cousin after she was discharged from the emergency room.

Penelope helped her get into the car. "My gosh, ate, sana all nila-lang lang yung pagkakabangga. Robot ka siguro noh?"

Sasha laughed. "Baka."

Her cousin rolled her eyes at her. "Hay naku, ate. Basta. Paalala ko lang hindi ka robot ha. Tsaka pag na-settle na lahat dun sa SoCal, can you please get in touch with a therapist? Hindi na maganda yan na parang lumilipad utak mo and nawawala ka sa sarili pag nati-trigger ka and something reminds you about—alam mo na."

Sasha put her seatbelt on and stared outside the window. "A therapist can't help me. No one can help me."

Penelope sighed while she rolled out of the parking lot. "You know what? You're right. No one can help you but yourself, and part of helping yourself is trying different methods to help make you feel better or magkaron ka man lang ng progress sa pag-deal mo dyan sa trauma mo."

Sasha shook her head. "I've tried it nga, diba? Halos lahat ng sinuggest mo tinry ko na. You said to work on my faith, I did. I read the Bible from cover to cover, baka sakaling nandun yung sagot sa mga tanong ko. I prayed every morning and every night. I even did yung gratitude walk where I go outside to get some fresh air. I walked, I ran, habang nagpapasalamat para sa mga bagay na I'm thankful for kahit maliit man yan o malaki. Sabi mo mag-church ako and di lang yung magsisimba ako kada linggo, sabi mo maging involve din ako. Mag-volunteer ako and sumali sa mga outreach programs nila. Ginawa ko naman yun ah, and you're right. It did distract me from my problems when I focused on helping other people deal with theirs. Aaminin ko naman na ang laking tulong nun eh, I felt closer to God, I really did. Mas lalo ko ring naramdaman na kahit ganito yung situasyon, marami pa rin akong biyaya na natatanggap sa Panginoon. Pero ewan, P, parang the harder I tried, ganun din ka-lakas yung bagsak ko. I take one step forward, pero ang kapalit is ten steps backwards. Alam mo yun? I do something to help build myself up para maalis sa pit na I'm stuck in only to be let down again. Nakakapagod eh. Nakakapagod mag-rebuild ng mag-rebuild only to be knocked down every single time. Nag-therapy ako. Nag-medication, pero wala. It's not like I didn't try."

Penelope glanced over at Sasha before she focused on the road again. "Ate, hindi ko naman sinasabi na you didn't try eh, and I'm sorry kung yun yung naparamdam ko sayo. Ang sakin lang, you have to keep trying. I hate to say it, but this whole thing with your depression—"

"I'm not depressed," Sasha interrupted.

Penelope took a deep breath. "Ate, sinasabi ko lang: you can't stop trying because gaya ng sabi mo, it's easy to fall into that pit again. When you get knocked down, you get back up again and you continue to do that buong buhay mo. That's life eh. Yun lang naman yung gusto ko maparating sayo eh. I just don't want you to keep losing yourself kapag naalala mo lahat ng nangyari. Kita mo oh, nababangga ka na tapos ni hindi ka pa sure kung nabangga ka nga if not sa mga nakakita. Ate, delikado yun. Alam mo yun eh. Ngayon bangga, what's next?"

Sasha frowned. Then she crossed her arms in front of her. "It doesn't matter. Kita mo naman oh, nabangga na't lahat-lahat, di man lang napuruhan. Masamang damo eh. Eh kahit nga I tried to put an end to it, I still managed to survive. Fuck this body, ayaw mamatay-matay."

Penelope's eyebrows met. She could feel the anger in her cousin's voice. "Ate," she swallowed. Then she took the next exit and parked at a nearby gas station so they could talk. "Ate, you tried to kill yourself?" Pain started to creep all over her body when she realized just how much Sasha was suffering. "Why would you do that to yourself? Ate naman."

Sasha shook her head. "Ay naku, P. Tigilan mo yang pag-iyak mo, hindi pako patay. Buhay na buhay nga ako eh oh. Don't waste your tears on me, wala namang mangyayaring masama sakin."