My Online Diary~♡

May 14th, 2024

Dear Journal-chan,

Another year has passed yet again. Can you believe it? I finished my first year of vet school with some decent grades! I definitely could've tried harder but oh well...what's done is done for now. This entire year has felt like a blur so far and has been moving so fast yet so slow at the same time and it's insane. 

ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

I wish I could keep that happy energy, but truth be told I'm in a really bad place mentally.

I wanna touch on those topics as well as provide some updates related to reading the previous entry.

The girl I had a crush on is now getting married and they invited me to their wedding which I'm going to in less than a month, can you believe that? I also got asked to be a bridesmaid at another friends wedding though, and I'm so excited!!

Vet school has been a ride honestly. I met so many people and I'm grateful to have the friends I do now. My social anxiety pisses me off because I struggle to interact with them but I like being around them and when they show they care, it makes me happy. I tried individual therapy and love my therapist, but I didn't see her much this term. I decided to go to her originally because I failed my anatomy lab midterm in term 1 and I was scared to fail because I had a failing grade. Then I opened up to her about a few things, especially about Roland. He and I are so much closer now. We had a whole talk about relationships in October and he told me he's also aroace! Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna push him away, but he always reassures me he won't just get up and leave. The fear will always be there, but at least it lessens when I'm with him. I just have to learn how to approach him about certain things moving forward. BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, WE STARTED VOICE CALLING IN JUNE 2023 AND HAVE CALLED ALMOST EVERY DAY SINCE THEN. ITS SUCH A BLESSING. Also the very first anime we watched together was demon slayer, and he remembered that I told him my friends thought I was like Mitsuri. So when he and B4U went to China this year for their global finals, HE BOUGHT ME A MITSURI FIGURE AND SAID HE THOUGHT OF ME WHEN HE BOUGHT IT AND I CRIED SO MUCH . THATS SUCH A SWEET THING IMAJGDFBG

i've been getting closer with schmiddy as well! and paul too, who had a crush on my friend and we became closer thru that interaction somehow haha. He made me his twitch mod!! This progress feels surreal and I'm grateful to have what I do with my favorite team. B4U played AMAZING in COA, they beat their first international team and almost beat two teams that made it to top 8!!! They were exceptional and I'm so proud of them.

I started working out more and did Zumba and strength cardio. But I don't think I took my meds this term so I ended up gaining like 16 pounds since December.. ugh. I feel horrid. But at least I feel stronger. I just gotta continue working out so I can get the body I'm dreaming of!

I haven't made much progress on my fics, but I really do want to work on them. Hopefully I can over this summer break. I want to stream more, make video edits, and draw. I also want to read!! 

I've been obsessively watching old shows again, like the amazing spiez. Its a comfort when things are spiraling for me.

I don't talk to C**** anymore, I hate him and I always will. Fuck that guy for real. I still talk to Sevon and Deion, just not as much because they remind me of my ex and I don't need that negativity in my life. 

Roland has shown me all the healthy things about being with someone you love and it really made me realize how horrible C treated me. So I'm happy that mf is out of my life.

I'm still friends with Jada and Kiyo. I stopped talking to Star for many reasons, I'm sure my future self won't forget. Kiyo and I have been bonding more lately. I feel like I've fallen off with Jada a little but not entirely. I just got upset that they "stole" Vie from me and I'm trying not to be mad because 1. Jada is 17 2. its not really their fault and they tried to help me so idk. But the stuff they do has been irritating me lately so I'm keeping my distance. And Jada's just been distant and acting different and says they have every mental illness in the book so idk what to do sometimes, I miss our old moments though. But I don't want to fixate on the past, so I'm doing what I can to move forward. 

Oh! On halloween, roland introduced me to his high school friend named yufei (he goes by aero online). I didn't think we'd get close but we're like besties now!! I love him a lot and my feelings for him are strong; I trust him and we help each other emotionally. He's on his europe trip rn and I miss him. We watched hazbin hotel, b99, the lake house, and sausage party together and its fun to spend time with him. I was intimidated by smart he was at first but now I just find it endearing and we have grown closer!!

He also introduced me to another friend and we are now playing D&D together! I'm new and have a lot to learn but its been fun so far. I hope to learn more so I can give more advice and help with strategies. 

Ngl, I had this one very nsfw dream about aero and it made me question if i was poly hahaha. I want to live with Roland and Aero in future anyway so maybe QPPR? LOL imagine. I love them both so much. The bond Roland and I have is special and cannot be replaced, he is my soulmate! And Aero and I are just close in a different way. They're both important to me. 

Also my family won't stop pressuring me about marriage. Because I'm a girl they want me to get married early and I sincerely don't want to. I still feel like I'm a child and that I know nothing about the world, I cant even take care of myself or understand my own feelings so how the hell am I supposed to get MARRIED to another person and be responsible for them too? the fuck. And i'm also aroace, so I really don't see the difference between what I want and what I can get from a partner that I can't get from my friends?? Like ok. 

They keep guilt tripping me saying they're gonna get old and that i'm missing out and that I'll negatively influence all my younger cousins like y'all need to chill with this shit. 

I think I also want to identify as non-binary or genderfluid. I really am uncomfortable with being referred to as a "woman." Male pronouns definitely don't fit me either so I think I'm gonna go with nonbinary for the most part. 

My roommate has a lot of issues; despite that, I trust her enough and enjoy her company. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not enough for her because every time I make plans she wants to invite other people to come and doesn't want it to just be us so it makes me wonder if she actually likes hanging out with me or not. We had a fight at the beginning of the term and things were pretty bad but we're okay now. I just need to learn how to set my boundaries and trust the other person to not leave. That's something I've been struggling with.

All term, I was fighting to have motivation to study and to care about school. I cared a little, but not as much as I ideally should've. 

I feel like I'm having so many issues with people. Like school is and has been the least of my worries. I'm worried about all my friendships, my relationship with my family is terrible to the point where I'm scared to go home. I just want to learn how to set and express my boundaries without feeling the need to comply and that people will hate me. 

My past traumatized me so much and its horribly affecting my current relationships. I wish I could just forget it all.

Am I expecting too much perfection from myself because I constantly don't feel like I'm good enough? Every time I'm having an issue with someone or something, my tendency falls to me blaming myself because I always circle back some logic to make it my fault somehow. Like "Oh maybe If I was able to do this better , this would've never happened in the first place " and it's just so exhausting to have this mindset. Because nothing is getting resolved. I try so hard to be happy and think of the good things in life, but I'm scared I never built real connections because I'm "too nice" and never set boundaries or gave a reason for people to respect me because I just do whatever they want whenever they want. I really don't know what to do.

I miss Roland. He's here but I just feel like I'm messing up and I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanted to have a talk with him on Saturday about something but I chickened out and now I don't know if I'll have privacy to try having that conversation again. Well, all I can do is look forward right? AT least I know Roland is still here now, and Im remembering all the kind things he said and maybe I'll screenshot it all and make a board and look at it every night to remind myself that he loves me and cares about me through the way he expresses himself and tries things for me.

I hope I can look back on this one day and have shown that I had the courage to put myself first in the future. 

There's a lot more I could say but I'm exhausted. I'm in Miami right now with my aunt, I'm reunitng with shaileen after 7 years tomorrow!! I hope it goes well.

Signing off~