My Online Diary~♡

April 21st, 2019

Dear Journal-Chan,

Ok now I see that intro getting childish, haha. Does it mean I'm gonna stop using it though? NOPE! So oh my god, I just realized it's almost been a full year since I updated this thing. I guess that makes it more fun and mysterious, right? So this past year a lot happened and I've been thinking about a lot of things. First off, I CANT BELIEVE I DIDN'T DO A DIARY ENTRY OF ME GOING TO JAPAN!! (study abroad trip May-June 2018!!!) But then again, that was such a big moment and dream come true in my life that I guess documenting it wouldn't even be necessary.

Anyways enough with that, imma get straight to the point before I forget things. So the main reason I chose today to come back to this is I need a space to say how I feel, a place that isn't one of my friends. My biggest wish is to be able to be my true self around people or at least my friends. To not be scared to say things on my mind. I really hate how I always give in to people and let them control me and as soon as I take control over anything or ask for help I feel like shit or feel like I don't deserve it. I see people with their friends on campus and those who can easily talk to people and not be afraid to take up their time to ask for their help and I'm envious of that. I wish I could do that, even if its at a small percentage. I always feel like I have to help everyone to make up for my sins and that I'm not allowed to receive help from anyone because I'm not worth their time or kindness. I feel awkward around my extroverted friends like Krinal and Ally and I feel like they don't really like hanging out with me which makes sense bc i'm an awkward mess and don't know how to make anything fun and sometimes I feel like they live in a whole other world than I do, but then again that could also be because I'm so disconnected with reality. I miss my past self before the whole Mansi incident occurred when I said whatever I wanted and could be myself and I had real friends and people liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. I could maybe talk to Yaswitha or Shreya and ask for advice? Idk, I dont wanna bother them with my past problems but they may be my last hope. 

I just really want this to be a good year(s). I do feel change from high school, I am a lot happier and feel like I have real friends. But I just want more out of my friendships is all i'm saying. i want people to enjoy hanging out with me and be comfortable with talking to me but it's hard when i'm so weird and awkward and its hard to reach my inner self because of all the walls I have put up. I dont even want these walls to be up but they're just there bc of my past and I dont know how to break them down. I know its up to me to make changes, to make myself a better person and improve on what I want to change so I can become the person I want to be. I am starting to be more honest with myself and a little bit with others, and I might consider therapy. I don't want to burden anyone with that though, I just really wanna see change happen and I think I need professional help to at least get me started and give me advice. 

I hope all my friendships stay and work out. I've been having problems with Deanna, and I still have some problems with Laura which I think truthfully are mostly on her because she changed since we first met. I still love her and enjoy hanging out with her but I feel like there's stuff going on underneath the surface which makes me less comfortable around her than I used to be and I know she's hiding things from me which I can understand but idk. And I want to be a good friend to Diana and Rachel and I am sort of jealous that Diana likes Rachel more than me and enjoys hanging out with her more, they really connected. But I'm happy for them. Diana and I mostly only hang out for studying...so I'm hoping thats not all she likes/spends time with me for. 

This semester has been a wild ride. I loved my fall semester but we had a huge problem with Kayla who is now dubbed the She Beast. I feel like whatever happened regarding that wasn't right and I really want to talk to her again and make things right but I can't reach my hand out if she won't take it. She needs to come to us first which I'll doubt she'll do but I will try something, maybe an email? Or a note to put under her door.  

Also me and Coraz split. Not sure if I ever talked bout it here but yeah. What broke my heart the most was that we can't even talk or be friends because it's weird for him I guess. I have no problem befriending my exes if we are mutually feeling the same bout the breakup or whatever but then again my feelings and thought processes stray far from the norms. Or I've just been around a lot of people who think differently than I do. He joined me on overwatch the other day and I really missed that feeling of spending time with him or just having him around, but I don't think he's comfortable around me and I'm saddened to think he may never feel that way again. I just miss having him as someone to talk to when I'm upset like this, because now I have to resort to writing in here because I have nobody to talk to.

I put on my Instagram story that I feel like I'm not doing much in life or living life to the fullest. Obviously at first glance that could be something like me actually going out to a party and drinking or doing really dumb stuff but now that I'm a bit more calm I don't think that's the right way to go. There are surely other ways to live life to the fullest without doing illegal things and getting drunk and doing other weird stuff. If I haven't been a party person I'm not suddenly gonna turn into one. 

Like I have plenty of opportunities to be around others and make friends but I'm so shy and awkward and reserved and I want that to change. I want to say what I feel inside and be funny and not be scared to be outgoing! I want to face my fears and take more out of life. 

Yeah so not sure if I talked about this already but I wish I wasn't so reserved, I just really want to be myself around people because I know I'm not boring, I know I'm not uninteresting or not fun, I know I'm more. I have been working on my self love and I am proud to say I don't hate myself as much as I did before. I just really hate my anxiety. How I cant properly ask for help or say bye to the professor or talk to people like Lamine without being awkward as hell which is why they probably avoid me in the first place bc nobody likes awkward people, it makes them uncomfortable too. I really want to work on all this and I will cling on to the hope that I can pave a better, happier life for myself! so future self, I really hope you'll be happy and be able to show your true colors to those who care about you and remember that you cant satisfy everyone and there will always be bad times and times when you can't do anything to fix things. all the love!

I dont even remember how I ended my entries so imma just say byeonara!!! (I LOVE ANGIE YONAGA!! )

P.S. I really really really love Kokichi Ouma and Nagito Komaeda. All-time favs!! I got into Danganronpa this year and I'm obsessed, it's such a good series.

ALSO 2019 IS GONNA BE GREAT FOR ANIME BC !! BSD SEASON 3!! IT ALREADY AIRED AND GAH THE SOUKOKU IS SO GOOD FOR MY HEART I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! AND HAIKYUU IS FINALLY GETTING A SEASON FOUR! WE ARE ALSO GETTING SEASON FOUR AND ANOTHER MOVIE OF BNHA AND ANOTHER SEASON OF RE;ZERO! PLUS OPM SEASON TWO FINALLY, I MISSED GENOS!! IM SO HYPED FOR THE ONCOMING ANIME!!

OH ALSO I TOOK WAY TOO MANY CREDITS SPRING SEMESTER LOL IM SURPRISED I HAVEN'T DIED FROM OVERWORKING YET. I'M TOTALLY FAILING ORGANIC CHEM THO LMAOO I WISH I TOOK IT MORE SERIOUSLY BUT I WILL WORK MY BUTT OFF JUNIOR YEAR TO GET MY STUFF DONE! 

and omg not to forget this but I finally joined editing groups and made some new friends, my fav group is komorebi!! i had problems with mika and her hiraeth server lmao she was wild but its in the past. but i love bott and elliot and steph and laylah is so fun to talk to even tho she stole my favs in mudae but i still love her and I JUS LOVE EVERYONE!!! i'm so glad i could meet them