My Online Diary~♡

February 1st, 2020

Dear Journal-chan,

A lot has happened since the last time I've written here. I can't exactly remember EVERYTHING that took place but I'll say as much as I can.

Well before I start my whole rant I just want to say I watched Weathering With You today in 4DX (they revamped the brambleton theater, omg) and it was AMAZING. I loved it so much.

Okay now on to the rant. All my life I felt like I knew what I wanted to do in terms of my career. And I still do want to become a veterinarian because everything else doesn't seem that great. Especially after shadowing at Catoctin vet (even though I felt like an annoyance to everyone there) I really enjoyed watching the surgeries and how they work and it really makes me want to become a veterinarian. But I went to a meeting last Sunday and it really scared me. I knew I was so behind when it came to my classmates, and that I had nowhere near the same amount of experience or confidence they have. The whole application process seemed like a giant wall in front of me, something I could never climb over or break through, at least not with the way I am now. I'm worried about whether I'll ever be good enough for vet school considering how competitive it is and how my grades aren't really at their best and how I'm lacking so much experience. Which really sucks bc I don't have any other talent or literally anything else to rely on. I really hope that in the future I'll have found a way out of this predicament. 

Branching off of that. I've been feeling a lot more alone lately. I haven't felt useless or worthless in a long time but those feelings are slowly coming back. I feel like a burden to my family and my friends, like how I never do anything for them but they all do so much for me. I feel horrible about my family situation and how my dad's side of the family always say horrible things to and about my mom and her side of the family and how it's indirectly my fault. I hate being a disappointment to my family and being told that because I can't talk back to them that this abuse will continue on. 

I'm looking into getting therapy. Seriously. I've realized that my life just readily keeps getting worse, even if its at a slow pace. I just can't enjoy life to the fullest with these conditions. I feel like I'm constantly held back and can't get to where I want to go because of that. And it feels refreshing knowing that there's a solution to my problems, but it is bittersweet. I find it really pathetic that I potentially have the chance of having major depression and social phobia (as said by my mental health screening results). I mean yeah, I had a rough past. But I wish I was strong enough to overcome it all instead of being prone to such bad mental health issues. It's really disappointing...but it is what it is and I have to fix it.

That being said, even with all this bad stuff happening, I don't want to give up. Many times I felt like I needed to die or give up because there's no chance I can ever change how horrible I am and how horrible my life is, but if there's ANYTHING I was able to accomplish during all these years, it was my growing mental strength and resilience. It's not easy for me to give up or back down from what I really want and I don't think dying is ever the answer even if my brain constantly tells me that it is. I have goals I want to accomplish, and that's one main drive that keeps me going, even when everything seems like it will crash and burn in the next second.

There's so many things I want to get better at. Like being physically fit/having the ability to work out. I want to get better at writing and drawing. I want to learn how to use after effects. I want to get better at talking to others, and I want to be able to keep one friend and let us be close friends. I hate how I struggle so much with putting in effort and have a perfectionist complex which leads me to procrastinate so much and I end up wasting all my time getting nowhere. Hopefully I can fix that.

Oh yeah, Laura and I aren't friends anymore. It really hit me hard, but it had to happen. She was a really good friend and I relied on her so much and I loved her a lot, but our relationship was becoming toxic and I think it was mostly or at least partially due to my inability to be completely honest. But even then, she was hiding a lot from me and wasn't being fair, and yes we had a whole drama where we had to get her evicted and I'm still planning on going to the police to report her "bf" to the authorities for his crimes. 

So yeah, I'm still really bad at keeping friends. I'm scared to get close to Rachel and Diana and anyone else I'm still acquainted with because I don't want to lose them either. I hope I can someday find a way to keep friends even through all the hardships we go through and spend time with them without fear of all these minor details my brain tells me are problems. 

One big thing I want to do is travel the world and just get out there. I've been sheltered practically my whole life, even now. I mean really, I'm twenty years old and I still feel like a child because I have no independence whatsoever and no idea how the world works or how to handle a lot of situations. I don't want to continue being an ignorant fool. My parents were and still are too overprotective, but they have to let me go and live my life if I ever want to get anywhere. My mom still won't let me go to the movies alone because she thinks its dangerous. Like yes, the world IS dangerous. But the chance of us getting into a bad situation isn't very likely and the consequences of not going out are worse than when you do because now I'm a socially awkward mess who never knows what to say or do in any social situation and I feel nothing but fear all the time because I don't know how anything works. And I have to keep lying and keeping secrets to get anywhere and I really hate that. Funny how I got inspired to do this after watching Secret Life of Pets 2. I want to grow up and enjoy the world, dangers and all. 

Oh, I also hate being compared to people. Like my mom always compares me to others and so does my grandma and it makes me feel like shit. They all had different lives than me, and were raised differently. There's no way in hell they can ever understand my situation and how hard it is for me to get anywhere near their level. And I don't have any of their skills or anything and if my parents were the ones who made me this way (like being too overprotective and stuff) why do they have to complain that I can't do anything when I literally never learned how? I mean other people have so many others and friends helping them out and I have nobody. I'm doing mostly everything on my own. And even when I do get help it feels wrong and I don't feel right doing it and it makes me feel guilty for making them waste their time on me. 

I also feel hella disconnected from my discord friends. Like I feel like all our bonds are gone and that I'm not really close to anyone anymore. I used to talk to Inky all the time but now not so much and it makes me sad, same with bott and elliot. and i get jealous easily so when alex and asher and others joined our killing game i felt like they were stealing all my friends and they kinda did and yeah we had a falling out but everythings ok now. it's still problematic but idk, what can i do now? rini left us for becca and barely talks to us anymore, nat's in the hospital still, bella and del are completely with asher and alex, and hannah is with her kult friends. also inky broke up with tanner which i didnt see coming and i have mixed feelings about it. *sigh.* oh one last comment, fiza annoys the fuck outta me like she just HAS to make some obnoxious comment about everything people say and it ticks me off.

Well anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. Let's talk about some great anime we had this year! (Also holy crap, can you believe its 2020??) Ok did I ever mention Danganronpa in this journal? mAYBE! I love danganronpa so much. It's been nearly 2 years and my love for it has not died. ALSO HAIKYUU FINALLY GOT A SEASON 4 AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! and oh my god. i watched the best anime ever. HUNTER X HUNTER. Bro that was SO SO GOOD. I loved everything about it, and Killua and Gon are so freakin' cute. I want them to be together forever. Even after that ending... hahaha...but seriously. They need each other. AND I LOVE HISOKA IDEK WHY I JUST DO. HE'S A FREAKIN PEDO CLOWN BUT?? SOMETHING BOUT HIM IS JUST APPEALING TO ME.

ALSO HONORABLE MENTIONS TO Kakegurui, Demon Slayer!!!!!!, and a lot more awesome stuff I watched that I can't remember rn !! But oh my god demon slayer is so good. I love Tanjirou, Zenitsu, and Inosuke's friendship dynamic. and NEZUKO AND SHINOBU ARE MY FAV CHARACTERS. 

And finally, persona 5!! Man this game is HECKIN GOOD. I'm on the final palace and beating those rat mazes is a freakin' pain but I want to enjoy this game as long as I can. I got mixed feelings about Akechi but his villain side was HOT. I hope he stays as a bad guy. I've learned a lot from persona 5 and its been such an adventure.

That's all for now! Who knows when I'll be back. Signing off!

Byeonara!