My Online Diary~♡

October 30th, 2020

Dear Journal-chan,

It's been a while again, hasn't it? I came here to say how much the world has changed since I last wrote here. In March 2020, we were hit with a pandemic known as COVID-19. We were forced to completely alter our lifestyle with quarantine, and even though its almost November, we are showing no signs of recovery. America is a shitty country. We've been quarantined for months and everything is falling apart. My motivation to do anything, my willpower to live, my ambitions, my social life-- all crumbling into nothing. I don't know what my future holds. And I'm almost afraid to find out. 

Lately I've been into Identity V. My ps4 broke over quarantine and idk if i can even get the new one because it seems impossible to attain. Quarantine has been a huge mess to say the least. At the beginning it was nice; we were all still friends, we played games, went through crazy things, etc. Now it feels like everyone is breaking apart. Me and Inky don't talk as much anymore. I dont even have the energy to talk to her or anyone else. It's not like I'm not used to losing my friends because it happened my whole life, but I really thought I could keep going with my current friends but I don't know if anything is working out. Rini and Hannah are obsessed with each other and don't spend time with me as much anymore, and I always feel like i'm third wheeling around them. I'm happy for them, but I feel like I lost two more friends. Bott is really busy all the time, and Elliot is great but he can't talk to us as much. And when I met him at the convention (oh yeah, galaxy con 2020, we went late February and that was probably the last con in the world before we were all forced to quarantine.) This entry might be messy because I have so many thoughts on my mind right now.

First to identity v, i love the game but i feel like im horrible at it. My exp is high but i feel like such a noob. My friends both have badges and I'm still stuck with no badges and not even close to one. I just want to get better but every day I feel like my brain and motivation are just dying and I can't bring myself to do anything. The feelings of dread, suicidal thoughts, and uselessness are hitting me again and I just want it to stop. I feel like nobody wants me around and to be honest I dont like our new roommate. She favors Rachel so much and makes me feel like I'm just in the way, and she never looks happy when she's around me. Not even sure what I did, but yay, another person who doesn't like me. The list just keeps growing. Diana went home and hasn't come back, but I still feel like nobody here genuinely likes me and only put up with me for whatever reason. I feel like I have nobody and every time I hang out with someone I feel like a burden and that I bother them or constantly do something wrong. I'm really tired of it. I'm so anxious I can't even talk to my group on our zoom calls for biochem and tht guilt kills me, and i joined an RP server and really like this person and wanna play with the group more but everytime I get involved I feel like they want me gone or that I'm irrelevant. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like nothing I do matters. And its worse because I constantly feel like its my fault. I don't know what to do or how to get help, I just feel stuck and feel like nothing I do can make anything better because I'm just a piece of trash. Jhasmina and Rachel keep going out and not inviting me unless I first initiate, and then they sit together and just leave me alone. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you or for anyone else. 

There are some moments in life where I feel happy and appreciated, but overall I have so many problems that I've kept to myself because I'm scared. I hate this so much and I know I have the power to change but I'm so weak I can't do anything to fix it. 

During quarantine my mental health deteriorated a lot because I was trapped at home with just my dad and brother. My mom was stuck in India and my dad was not very kind to me. I had many nights where I cried or wished I was dead, and I was relieved to find out we were coming back to school. Our school got 1000 cases in less than a week and shut down 3 days after opening, but then they reopened and cancelled our fall and spring break. It sucks how I don't feel safe or happy in my own home because I constantly feel judged and like a burden and it hurts like hell. My entire life is a mess. There is nothing good going on for me right now and I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how to make anything better. 

Tomorrow is Halloween and Eli's birthday. Its my favorite holiday, and my birthday is soon, but I don't feel like celebrating either one. Jhasmina really makes me upset/angry and she annoys me a lot and she's bossy and ugh but of course I can never tell people how I really feel because I have weird issues. This is the first time Halloween doesn't feel special, the first time I don't want anyone to remember my birthday. My 16th birthday was a flop so why not let my 21st fail too? Nothing about me is special or worth celebrating, so there is no reason for these days to be celebrated in a special manner. 

Despite all this, I really don't want to give up. There's a small part of me that wants to keep going even though death is constantly on my mind. I know there's a chance for things to get better, even if it seems impossible now. I've waited for 20 years and haven't been able to do a single thing right yet, but one day I pray and I pray that I can change and be better and be happy with myself and my decisions and properly talk to people and not live in constant fear. I want to make big changes and be important, and I want just one person to value me and take care of me without me feeling like I'm bothering them or costing them happiness. 

And God, I'm so sorry for every bad thing I've done and will probably continue to do in the future. I want to change but don't know if I can, but I'll keep trying to make the right choices. I've never felt so stressed or pressured or upset but yeah.

Brendin tried to kill himself, so has Inky, and Emily got sexually harassed. It was so much for me to listen to, and I'm thankful it did not happen to me but I still feel horrible for them. My head hurts a lot right now and I have two quizzes due by tonight plus 2 exams next week. I hope I can manage without collapsing. I really look forward to the day I can make friends and live a little easier life and not have to hide my true self or feel guilty or anxious around others. 

I know I'm really behind in life. I know my family thinks I'm a disappointment, and that I'm making all the wrong choices. But mistakes can be fixed; I will just be very slow at it. Everyone is suffering right now and I can't bear the burden of anyone's problems even though I want to help them. I just have too much on my plate right now and I think everyone has to workout their own solutions because nobody is in a good state of mind. Plus elections are soon, and things are probably gonna get more chaotic. I feel like I sometimes contradict my own thoughts but it's just the way life is. I relate a lot to Zeref, Eli, and Noel. I didn't even believe in kinning until I saw those 3. Also kinda upset how in media, INFPs and Scorpios are like super popular and mostly everyones favorites and then even though I'm both of those I'm pathetic and nobody likes me. Man if only I could be in another universe. But then everyone else will probably hate me there too. Whatever I guess. It's really hard to love someone like me. 

I sound like a mess right now and so much has happened; I don't know if things will get better but I hope they are in the future. To my future self: I really hope you find peace. This pain is almost unbearable, especially to feel on a daily basis and no amount of strength makes it any less painful. Please find the light and help yourself get better. 

Signing off.