Head Over Heels In Fake

Lost

All I can feel is nothing. Nothing fills me up and brings me down. Down into a pit of seed and fear and hurt and loneliness. Tears roll gently and harshly down my pale face. My red lips sting and so do my eyes. The shallow breaths I take ache my lungs.
My legs finally start to move after half an hours of standing still and I hate it. I can move my legs but he can't because he's...not here. Not right now.
Ten months. We were together for ten months. One week was spent with pointless faking. His low voice still sounds in my ear."goodnight my beautiful girl" that's the last thing he said to me. "Goodnight"
But he can't be... but he is. My boy. My knighthood in shiny armour. He helped me.
My feet move my expired body backwards then forwards until I reach he near by bench. And then I sit.
My mind still infers on the body bag. He was coming to see me. Me. If I hadn't called him. If I hadn't troubled him with my pathetic nightmares, he would still be here. He would be next to me. Loving me. Proms in three weeks. My mind races. He will be back by then. I know he will.

"Jessie!" I hear a faint voice and I jump to attention. Carter? Could it be?
"Carter!" I yell as loud as my broken voice will allow. "Carter is that you?!"
My legs regain strength at this sudden leakage of hope and I jump up, wiping the many tears that still fall from my empty eyes.
"Carter!" The sun has just started to rise and a black figure is imprinted against it.
The figure comes close but I can't see their face.
It is a man. Hope blossoms inside my chest.
Then the face comes into focus and yes it is familiar. It is the police man. Hope dies.
I whimper and fall the the floor. The healing nothingness opens up again and it hurts. It's hurts like hell.
"Jessie. Oh thank goodness your here. We were worried sick about you!"
The officers eyes fall onto the area, still tapped off p.
"Oh" he whispers.
I let out a loud scream and tears trickle down my face again. Cold air bites my skin and creates a blush on my cheeks. A blush he will never see.
My skinny legs curl underneath me as I howl in grief.
My head drops and settles on my knees and my hair spreads out around me.
I cry and I cry until my throat and my lungs can't bare it.
"Come on p, we need to get you home." The officer soothes and I agree but I can't leave this place. It's like it's a bit of him. It's like he is here. Like Carters here.
I allow the officer to pull me up and throw his jacket over my shoulders before he leads me to his police car.
The officer helps me into the passenger seat and soon we are driving.
The heating is pulled up to maximum but I still shiver and I still cry.
"You know, I have a daughter."
I really don't care about he steps but I listen to try and get my mind off everything.
"She's grown up now. Married. Two kids. But when she was about your age, she was madly in love with the boy next door. And he loved her. But then he left. I knew where he had gone. My wife did. His family did. But she had no idea. He had gone into hospital. Terminally ill but he didn't want her to know. He wanted her to remember him as the person he was, not the person he was turning into. By the end of his life, he was a skeleton. He couldn't move by himself he couldn't eat or drink. Nothing. I saw him. My wife saw him. His family saw him but she never did. He wanted her to remember him as the person he was, not the person he had turned into.
In the end, we told her he had cheated. Met another girl and fallen in love and because he was a year older, we told her he had moved away to be with her.
And yes, she cried but she was heart broken. Not broken.
About five years after he died. We told her the truth and by God it broke her. She spent weeks by herself but she got over it. She was in love you see. And now she is a counsellor. She works in the hospital and if you ever want to talk to her, feel free. Her names Ann White. And she will understand you more then you could believe"
I smile weakly. "I g-got ass-assaulted about six m-months ago. I have counselling w-with her now."
The officer smiles and mutters "that's my girl"

We turn into my drive way and I run into my sisters arms. She hugs me tightly, stroking my knotted hair.
"You really loved him, didn't you" she whispers and I nod into her chest.
My ears pick up foot steps and I look up to see her boyfriend, Oli, looking at me with wide eyes.

We could of had this. Me and Carter. Sleeping round each other's houses, planning a future. A family. A wedding.

Oli has always been like a brother to me. Him and my sister met when I was ten. She was sixteen and they have been in love ever since. When I was heartbroken with Mile he made me laugh.
"Don't worry, I'll bet you I can beat him up in less then a minute and leave him crying for him mummy" Oli used to tell me and I grinned at this. Was always there for me. Is always there for me.

I let go of Meg and hurry to Oli who hold me tightly.
"Was it him?" He asks and I shrug.
"I didn't see t-the face. The a-ambulance people wouldn't let me but t-t-they said it w-was" I sob.
Both officers stand, waiting for us to finish. "We will keep you posted" they say before walking out of the door.

My numb body makes its way up to my room and into my bed. As soon as I get there, the phone rings.
Slowly I pick it up, glancing at the I.D. Carters house.
"Jessie" Carter mums voice sounds down my phone.
"Mrs Pick" I reply quietly.
"I thought I told you to call me Chloe" her dry voice sounds.
"Sorry Chloe.
"How are you doing, have you heard?"
"Is it him. Is it Carter?"
"I have just been to identify to body-" her voice cracks "it's him sweetie. It's Carter"
"Oh!" I exclaim. It's like the train that was always coming has hit me.
"I know" I can hear Chloe crying down the phone. "I know I know I know"
"Chloe I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
"So am I"
We cry together for I while before we arrange to meet up to "chat" which I know will consist of constant tears.
Then I hang up, dropping the phone from my ear and sobbing into to pills and wrapping myself in my duvet.
My warm tears stick my hair to my face but I don't care all I care about is the lost, loved Carter Pick.