Rebel (Civil War Period)

Chapter 2..

30th January1861

I am aware of the fact that I have promised not to spoil these pages with dreamy, pathetic dwelling on senseless matters, such as little heart flutters or just romance, drama and alike in general.

But I will make one exception here - I will just mention what happened to me yesterday.

Jasper Whitlock.

Oh, this name suited him, with his blonde hair... the intense silver eyes that held me captured by night yesterday. It had been such an effort to pretend to be ill when my family had returned, especially since I had looked so well.

It is ridiculous to think that one can judge a person in just one moment, but deep down I somehow feel that Jasper Whitlock is no ordinary man, and I could not despise him, even though I should. Furthermore, I had even helped him, maybe saved his life.

If Papa knew...

I wish to see him again, although, of course, I have neither a reason to nor would it be rational. The chance of it is so thin... Yet I find myself listening for any news of the conflicts even more eagerly, and every time I hear of Southern soldiers having been killed, I think of him, and it pierces my heart to think of Jasper Whitlock as dead.

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3rd March 1861

It has been long that I have written, but I was afraid that anything I might write would turn into another irrational, longing novel about Jasper Whitlock. For he still haunts my mind, and even though it tortures me, it gives me pleasure, too.

There have been some disturbances in February, but I do not know anything particular. Nobody ever tells me about the revolution, or whatever the correct phrase is for what is taking place, so I am in the dark about the on-goings.

But I would be a unperceiving fool if I would not feel what is going on in this country - the Confederate States, as the Southern States are called, are not going to give up. That is clear by now, and I also know, like so many else do, that the press and Union government had been wrong -they would not give up.

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15th March 1861

It is unbelievable how dull this life is. I begin to understand the girls keeping a diary to fill their days... I had originally intended to keep record of the events around me, but how am I supposed to do so when nobody will ever tell me anything?

William's letters arrive less regularly, and Papa often doesn't come home in the evenings anymore. Why is it that they get to know what's going on and I don't? Marianne and Susannah are not interested, so it does not bother them to be ignorant. I am different, however - unlike them, I have absolutely no time or enthusiasm for looking at the officers that are in town these days. My sisters might already look for a husband, but I never had any less intention of finding one.

I do not admit this even to my heart, but it is partially because I still have not forgotten the silver gaze of Jasper Whitlock...

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17th March 1861

I finally have found out something, although unpleasant: It seems that Kentucky is becoming a dangerous place for both Union and Confederate fighters. I had been wondering how this is possible, and asked Papa at dinner. At first, it had seemed he wouldn't answer, but he eventually did: Our state is situated between the Southern and Northern States, which makes it a border state -the fields surrounding our house are more or less the fighting grounds for the soldiers whose fronts are meeting here.

I am ashamed to say that hope had flickered up in that moment within me. A picture of Jasper Whitlock holding a speech for men to follow him to Kentucky... everyone would blindly follow him. He was the type of man who had the charisma to convince anybody...

But to come back to the conversation with my father: He thought it safer if we would leave Kentucky for a while until things had cooled down, and he would send us to our town house in New York.

I don't know whether to be excited or not. I think I will just wait what the future brings.

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20th March 1861

Papa left today to travel to New York, and Mama accompanied him. He has to get everything ready for our arrival there in a few days' time, and afterwards he will have to attend a meeting with the president, Abraham Lincoln.

I just hope he returns soon, for I fear the threat is coming faster than we have anticipated...

......§......

Two days later, I awoke to the dull thuds of canons. Or at least, that was what I thought it sounded like, but since that could not be, it was probably just yet another thunder storm.

I opened my eyes slowly, for I was still not fully awake, and got out of bed equally slowly. My bare soles made nearly no sound on the wooden panels as I walked over to the window to look outside the window. The last of my dizziness was gone immediately when I took in the scene that lay before me - the fields surrounding our house were peaceful. But the sky behind the forest was black from the battle smoke.

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