Letters to Phil. (Phan)

Letter Five.

January 30, 2015

Dear Phil,

It's your birthday. You told me I could come over and help with the small get together you are having for it, so I did. I think that was my mistake.

When you opened the door and smiled, I almost started crying. I almost left. I almost turned around and walked right out of your house and went back to my apartment, but I didn't. Not when you lit up at the sight of me.

There weren't many people, only me, you, Pj, Chris, Louise, and your girlfriend, Lexi. I tried to be happy, I really did, but I couldn't keep it up and that's why I left so early. I'm sorry.

I had asked you where the bathroom was because I could feel the tears coming and you had led me to it. You kept asking me if I was okay. You know me way too well. And that's when I started crying. I cried into your shoulder, Phil. How pathetic is that?

You stood there, arms wrapped around me, and you let me cry. I was begging you to come home, but you didn't respond to the begging. You just tried to calm me down. I kept asking you why you left and eventually, you just looked at me. You had this look of sadness and guilt in your eyes and I honestly think that's what made me leave.

I didn't want to, I really didn't, but I couldn't take being around you, knowing I wouldn't see you later that night. Knowing that you wouldn't walk into my room and crawl into my bed behind me just because you felt alone and wanted someone to cuddle.

I'm really sorry, Phil. Louise had to take me home and by then, I was a mess. I know I was. I still am, but I ruined your birthday. Louise said you cried. She said you left to go into your bedroom for a minute and you cried. That it was evident on your face when you walked back out. She also said that after I left was when you started drinking a lot all of a sudden. Lexi made you stop, I guess, and that's when you kicked everyone out.

Phil, I'm so sorry for ruining your birthday. I wanted to be happy. I really did, but I was being selfish and I couldn't handle it.

Happy Birthday, Philly. I'm sorry.

Love,

Dan.