Letters to Phil. (Phan)

Letter Twenty Six.

September 29, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hello, Phil.

So, I really hope you have been good because I have. I know I haven't written in a while, and that is because I was contemplating something. I finally came to my decision.

Through the past weeks, Louise had been talking to me. She was telling me that I needed to get out more and not stay cooped up in the apartment anymore because it's not helping me get better. Pj and Chris had taken me out a few nights back and honestly, it helped so much. I forgot about everything and it felt really nice just to be happy for the first time in a while. I haven't had any urges anymore either, which I think is great.

I have been debating whether or not to keep writing to you and I've decided that I was going to stop.

So, yeah. This is my last letter to you, Phil. I know you'll probably overthink this, like you always did when I didn't write, but then again, you had good reason to. But I assure you, darling, that I'm okay. I'm not going to do anything stupid anymore, okay? I've finally got to the point where I'm not relying on you anymore and I'm so much happier. Of course I still miss you. God, I do miss you a lot, Phil. I always will, but now I can live with the small hole in my chest that you left. It won't go away any time soon, if at all, but I can live with it being there. I've gotten used to it, per se.

I want to tell you that I am so happy and grateful that I had the pleasure to be your best friend. The day you replied to me on twitter for the first time, I couldn't believe it at all. I mean, it's not likely that fans get recognized by their favorite vloggers. The day you offered to Skype, I can't even tell you how nervous I really was. I ended up throwing up because of the nerves I was experiencing because I was about to Skype with THE AmazingPhil. My favorite vlogger! I was so scared I was going to say something stupid and make you reevaluate your decisions of ever talking to me.

The was you always told me that I was so cute and perfect, every single time I wanted to just lunge through the screen and kiss you. And when we were on the Manchester Eye, the first day we met, the way we kissed, it was fucking perfect, Phil. It's something I will always miss because I know I'll never ever feel like that again with someone. You made me fall in love with you within such a short amount of time and I really don't understand how you did that.

Phil, you're so perfect. In every fucking way. I'm telling you this now because I don't ever expect us to talk again after this and even if we did, I know it would be too late, so I'm saying everything I've bottled up for so many years now in this last letter to you.

Philip Michael Lester, you are my rock. You're my best friend. The only best friend I had, really. That was my first mistake, though. I let you in way too soon it seemed and I ended up falling for the boy who I never even thought would have even given me another look. You know everything about me, Phil, and honestly, I wouldn't want anyone else to other than you. You're so cute and perfect and hot and sometimes I literally don't understand how you can be all in one. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Philly. And for that, I thank you so fucking much. I miss you a shit ton, but I guarantee if we wouldn't have fought like we did, I would've never been able to tell you this all. I fucking love you, Philip Michael Lester. Not just as a best friend. I am in love with you. And I know its way too late to tell you that because you're engaged and we don't talk anymore, but now you finally know.

Thank you so much for everything you have ever done for me in the past years. From tweeting me to being there when I'm having my breakdowns to when I was insecure, to now. I know technically, you're not here anymore, but I still feel like if something extreme would happen, like me trying to kill myself, you'd still be there. I know this because even though I never really saw you, you worried about me. You made everyone see how I was and I don't think that will ever change.

I love you so much, Phil. Thank you for everything.

I hope that maybe, just maybe, one day we'll be able to talk again.

Well, farewell, my old friend.

Love,
Daniel Howell.