Letters to Phil. (Phan)

Letter Seventeen.

June 1, 2015

Dear Phil,

Hello, Phil. How are you? I assume you're good. It's been a while since I wrote, hasn't it? Yeah, sorry about that. I've just kind of dropped off of the face of the earth, I guess. I had told the fans that I was taking a break for a month or two because I just couldn't focus on YouTube at the time. It's still hard, but I think I'm getting better because recently, I've been getting so many ideas for different YouTube videos and everything. I've filmed a few of them already, I just need to edit them and post them.

Lexi came over a lot. She said that half the time when she did it was because of you. You were worried I had done something like offed myself. Actually, a lot of people thought that. Louise checked on my every week. Pj seemed to be over at least every other day and if it wasn't him, it was Chris. Everyone was DMing me on Twitter and texting me, to make sure I was still alive. It kinda made everything better because I knew that people were worried. I'm not going to lie, I did have nights where I would just stare at a bottle of pills or the knives in the kitchen and think about how easy it would to just end it.

Actually, I got those almost every night. Sometimes, I kind of acted on them. Not to the point where I was literally trying to kill myself right them, but sometimes, I would grab the sharpest knife in the drawer and just stand over the sink and run it across my arm. Watching the blood just run out of the cuts was relaxing and satisfying. It made me know that I can feel things other than sadness. I have scars almost covering my right arm and a few strays on my left. The ones on my left are more jagged, though, considering I can't do like. Anything with my right hand when it comes to that kind of thing.

No one saw my arms. They never saw the bandages or anything. I always had a long sleeve shirt on whenever I knew someone might see. I got smart about it, per se. I knew you would've noticed, though. If you had ever seen me, you would've noticed the slight pump from the bandage through my sleeve. You would have sat me down and asked my why. And I would have told you that I was sad. That I always have been a little sad, but now no one is around to stop the sadness from seeping through. You were my road block, Phil. I will forever thank you for keeping all of that in long enough so I could understand that maybe life is worth living.

Listen, I should go now. I'll start writing again soon, okay? I just thought that maybe you needed an explanation because the last time Lexi came over, which was yesterday, and she said you were freaking out. Like breakdown freaking out over me. I didn't mean to make you freak out, Phil. I promise. I'm sorry that I made you freak out and that you had to cancel the date you had with Lexi. She said that she was worried too, though, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

I'm sorry again. Bye, Philly.

Love,

Dan.