Letters to Phil. (Phan)

Letter Fourteen.

April 6, 2015

Dear Phil,

I think people are noticing, Phil. I think people are finally noticing the change in your house. The fact that I never mention you anymore. The lack of videos on our gaming channel. The lack of videos together.

People are noticing that I'm not okay. I made a mistake by posting a video without editing out the portion where my wrist was visible. They saw the scars. The scabs. The cuts. They all saw them and now everyone is worried.

Chris had called me almost immediately after he watched the video and asked me if I was okay. He saw. He saw that I had done more damage to my arm. I didn't lie to him. I told him no, but I would live.

Everyone is tweeting at me and texting me. It was really obvious, but I must have thought that it wouldn't be noticeable. That there would only be a few people who would notice. Not everyone who sees the video.

Troye messaged me on Twitter today. He asked me if I was okay. I lied to him and told him yes. That they were scars from my childhood. Because sometimes scars come up again really visible for some reason.

Everyone was seeing if I was okay.

Everyone except you.

And honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I do right now. I know everyone is freaking out, asking me if I'm okay. What has happened. Things like that, but the one person that it would actually matter that would ask, hasn't.

Lexi had texted me. She said she got my number from your phone a while ago just in case she needed it. We talked for a while.

She told me how you were. She said you were sad. That you missed me, but you were very good at covering it up. Especially in videos. You've always been good at that, though. Covering up what you're feeling.

She said that you have times during the day, mainly at night, where you just go quiet. You shut yourself down and you go take a shower. She says sometimes when she walks by, she'll hear something along the lines of crying, but she's learned not to intervene with it. She told me that sometimes, you'll cry after waking up. She said you have dreams about me.

I have those. She asked me if I had dreams about you and I told her I did. That's when I could tell she was smiling. She asked me to tell her my favorite one of us. I didn't know if I should tell her, but I did.

I told about the one dream I had, a week after you moved out. We were on a date and you looked so happy. You said you had something planned, and I was excited to know what it was. We had went to the movies, dinner, and we ended up at the Manchester Eye. And we were sitting there, in tuxedoes, as we got higher and higher off the ground. You took my hand and you started reaching into your pocket for something. I looked out at the horizon because it was lit up beautifully. I felt something cold slip onto my ring finger and I looked at you, the look in your eyes was pure love. You were about to talk and that's when it ended.

She asked me if she could come over.

I told her yes.

She's coming over tomorrow. She said she will tell you where she's going.

She told me she is here for me.

She knows. Everyone knows now. Everyone is caring.

Everyone except the one that truly matters.

Everyone except you.

Love,
Dan.