6463 l.h

t h i r t e e n

Skrillex - Ease My Mind

Play that song again

Cause we were in love

Before, before the rain began

And if I cry I cover my ears

xxxx

Do you know when you cross your legs one over the other and after a while when you try to get up your feet is numb because just a bit of blood was running through?

It felt like this.

I watched Luke walk past me and towards her.

I watched the arms that I loved so much hold her like they held me.

I watched his lips crack the smile I loved to her.

I watched his nose nuzzling her neck like he did with me.

I felt numb so numb I couldn't even feel the pain. I just turned my heels and walked away. I went straight to Liz's office and told her my head was killing me so I wanted to go home, Calum was in there too talking about something about switching classes because AP chemistry is too advanced to him, so he offered to drive me home because I clearly wasn't okay.

"She came back" my voice cracked in several tones

"Who?" He asked turning left and into my street

"Ashley" I closed my eyes, feeling the dormancy take over my body

Calum didn't say a word he just held my hand with a squeeze.

"You liked him, didn't you?" he gets to this conclusion after he parked in front of my house and I couldn't move

"It doesn't matter" I sigh, thanking him for the ride and storm into my home

Gammy says something but I can't hear because it doesn't matter, I lost him. I walk into my bathroom and my body collapses onto the floor, my legs can't carry the weight anymore because the strength I had is long gone. I cry like I haven't cried my whole life. Tears burn my face making me cry even more.

I know it's not his fault. I know if I was in his shoes I would have done exactly the same. He couldn't know what I felt for him. I'm not crying because I hate him for choosing her instead of me, I'm crying because I'm so stupid. I fell for the one I couldn't fall for, I believed that I'd be okay if he didn't love me back, I led my idiotic brain to believe I'd be okay because no one breaks my heart, because I don't feel things.

I'm crying because I do.

I feel my phone buzzing on my back pocket, I fish it out and read his name

Luke <3 <3 at 11:42am

Where are you? I can't find you, didn't you want to talk to me? Are you okay?

I sigh and type fast

Me at 11:43am

I'm fine. You don't have to pretend you care anymore.

I lock my phone and throw it across the bathroom. I make my body crawl into the bathtub and take my pants off, without even thinking too much I get the razors and dig them hard over the nearly healed scars. Each cut makes my body cry in pain but I don't care. I repeat the process on the other thigh, keeping the motion of cutting my skin with stripes until the pain in my heart is numb by the blood dropping on my pale skin.