From the sky to the sea (Oliver Wood fan fiction)

Getting my emotions back

"What are you doing here?" Is all I manage to say and I'm really not happy to see that he's got a bag with him. I really really hope he's not planing on staying. I don't know how I'll deal with that.

Although I must say he's gotten better looking which I didn't think was even possible but it is. He's got a little bit of a stubble and is a little bigger in terms of muscle and I can't help but think some pretty dirty thoughts.

"I've missed you." Oliver says. "Is that bad? I just wanted to see you, is that bad?"

"I guess not." I say stepping aside to let him into the house and we walks past me, pulling his bag behind him none of us exchanging a single word.

I show him the guest room and then just leave him there. I know I probably should say something or do something or something but I don't really want to deal with Oliver fucking Wood at the moment. I'm such a mess of a human being, like a right proper mess of a human being and I just can not deal with this boy I'm still in love with.

Seeing as I can't really just ditch him in my guest room I stick my head back in and say: "I'm going surfing. There's food in the fridge."

Then I leave. I just leave. I mean I stay within the house long enough to change into a rash guard and bikini bottom but then I'm gone. Board under my arm I head for the beach and then right into the ocean. No second thought or hesitation, just straight into the waves.

I've always found that surfing relaxes me. Usually there's nothing that can't be forgotten amongst the tumble of the ocean waters but today my game is way off. My game is never off. But all I can think about is the man sitting in my house and taking a whole part of my life, that I tried to forget, with him.

In the past three years I've never been in the water this long before and I've never causing this few waves before either but I know that I can't hind in the salty mass forever so I pluck up my courage and decide it's time to face my past.

"I don't need to stay here." Oliver says once I get back. "I was actually thinking I'd try a Bead and Breakfast."

Knowing how incredibly rude it would be to just send him away I tell him he can stay in my guest room but that I'm working 5 days a week and sailing or surfing the other two. He nods and says he just want's to see me even if it's just an hour a day for a few days.

That first night I want to take Oliver out to dinner but at the same time I don't. I decide I'm just going to tell him that there's food in the fridge and go to bed so I knock on the door of the guest room and wait for him to open it. But the second he does I can't help myself but I start crying. Really hard. With out warning.

Over the last few years I've gotten so good at not feeling anything and not caring about anything and just existing in numbness.

Ever since Cedric died I've done my best to be as detached as possible and I'd like to think that I've gotten pretty good at it but now it's like the entire wall I've built up just fell all of a sudden with out warning.

True to his old self Oliver is immediately by my side and holding me close and stroking my hair and whispering over and over that it's going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay, at all. Because this is exactly what it was like in the two weeks after Cedric died. I would cry and Oliver would hold me and whisper to me and I don't like that all I'm back to that. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I got over this, I moved on but now I'm spiralling back into a dark place in my life.

"I can't do this." I say, completely honestly. "I was fine Oliver. I was fine and wonderful and I was dealing and then you showed up and I don't think I can do this."

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks and I know that if I said yes he would be out the door in a second and probably never turn back because that's who he is. He want's me to be okay. But I'm fully aware that I won't ever be okay. Not really so I tell him: "No. I don't want you go. I want you to stay and never let go of me."

"I can do that." He promises.

I know that I wanted Oliver to sleep in the guest room and not with me and I guess that all went according to plan but I did sleep in the guest room which his arms wrapped around me and my face buried in his chest. I tell myself over and over that there's nothing odd about this and that Frank and I used to cuddle all the time but all that does is remind me of Hogwarts and that just feels like someones taken a rusty screw driven and driven it though my chest.

In the middle of the night I'm woken by dreams, bad bad dreams and I'm in tears and sobbing grotesquely which wakes Oliver which obviously has him fussing over me and everything all over again. I kind of get it, I mean I am hyperventilating and shaking and crying and I feel like there's this unbelievable pain which starts in my chest and spreads out to my whole body. I can feel my fingers cramp up from the hyperventilation.

He puts both his hands on the side of my face and says: "Penny, love, listen. I'm going to kiss you now, but only if you're okay with that."

Not sure what else to do I nod and let Oliver press his lips against mine. He starts of slowly, very very slowly, testing everything out and then begins to get to a proper pace which forces me to breath deeper, slower breaths limiting my supply of oxygen which stops the cramping and the shaking.

The snog session also, almost, makes the pain a little more bearable and I can't help thinking that this is the perfect distraction. Grabbing on to Olivers shirt I pull him down on top of me on the bed and then take his hands and lead them to my breasts. He doesn't stop me which I take as a good sign and decide to deepen the kiss while running one of my hands though his hair.