Speak [ phan ]

chapter nineteen

***

Phil frowns, reaching into his pocket and pulling out many scraps of paper.

He lays them all on his floor, staring at them for a while. It's the letter Dan wrote him, and ripped up when Phil was a jerk. Phil was trying to push Dan away, but he wanted to know what the note said, and curiosity got the better of him. He was going to do this, even if it took all night.

Phil starts moving the torn pieces, trying to piece them back into a page. Soon, he has around a fifth done, but there's still a pile of paper confetti on his floor, and very few of the words so far make sense together.

After another hour, Phil is almost done. He's never been good at puzzles, so this is quite the challenge for him, especially as the tiny bits of paper keep blowing away every time Phil moves his legs out to stretch.

After another fifteen minutes, Phil has finally pieces the note together, and sits back to admire his work. He then starts to read it.

'Phil,

I know that we kissed yesterday, and that I didn't react and I'm sorry. I kept hearing a voice inside my head, yelling at me, and my body froze as a result.

After you got up, I wanted to tell you to stay, but I didn't know how. In the hours that followed, after much thought, I realised that I really like you Phil Lester.

You're my best friend, I couldn't imagine life without you and honestly, I don't want to ever live in a world without you. What I'm saying now is too important for a text, it needs to be delivered from the heart, the old fashioned way.

So basically, I like you Phil, and despite what you thought/think, I do like you, and I hope you don't regret kissing me, because the only thing I regret is not kissing you back.

Dan.'

Phil's eyes widen as he finishes the last few words. He was such a jerk to Dan, all because he thought Dan would need like him back and he just wanted his feelings to go away. But if he'd just fucking manned up for a few minutes of his life, he would've read this letter when it was still in one piece.

Dan likes him too. Well, probably not anymore. Phil was a giant asshole to Dan, and if he had a time machine, he'd go back and punch himself in the face for being to stupid. Phil sighs, picking up his phone, texting Caspar, as he saw him with Dan that afternoon.

Phil: Caspar, I've fucked up big time.

Caspar: I know.

Phil: I'm so sorry, I'm such an asshole Caspar, what have I done?

Caspar: don't tell me this.

Phil: ... Why?

Caspar: tell Dan.

Something about Caspar's text sparks Phil, and he stands up, pocketing his phone before grabbing a jumper and walking out the door, down to Dan's house. He sees a light on in Dan's bedroom window, and a silhouette behind a curtain, so Phil knows that he's home.

Sucking in a deep breath and mustering all the courage inside him be can find, Phil raises his hand and knocks thrice on Dan's front door.

***

Dan looks through his curtain to see Phil standing outside his front door.

Please don't let him in mum, please no... Dan begs silently. Why the hell is Phil here, especially after what he said? Dan can't even trust him anymore.