Speak [ phan ]

chapter twenty

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Dan and Quinn Howell are running out of time.

For now, a distant Aunty is staying with them, but she has her own family she needs to get back to soon, and once she leaves, it is no longer legal for Dan and Quinn to live there alone.

For the first week after his mother's death, Dan did not leave his room. He retreated inside himself and refused to come out - not until Quinn started sobbing tidal waves onto his chest, and Dan finally snapped out of it.

But he's losing his purpose, his sense of self and his enthusiasm for the thing called life. Dan is just so tired. He wants to just collapse onto the ground in a heap and cry until he ceases to exist. But he can't, he has to stay strong - for Quinn. Quinn has already lost his parents, and he only has half a brother. He deserves better, and Dan can't give that to him.

Dan even sometimes wonders if it would be better for Quinn to be taken to another family who could give him all he needs. Dan loves Quinn with all his heart, but sometimes, love just isn't enough.

Yes love is important, but this society has grown into one where just love itself isn't enough to survive on.

Dan didn't even go to his mother's funeral - he couldn't bring himself to even drag himself out of his room - plus, part of him wasn't ready to say goodbye. Going to a funeral is like confirming someone's death, so if Dan never went to the funeral, his mother wasn't entirely gone. But she was - Dan was just fooling himself. Dan hasn't even cried yet - he's too emotionally ruined for even that.

Today is the day Dan has been dreading - he's back to school today. Dan's alarm starts to blare, and he switches it off quickly, it's not like he's been asleep anyway. Dan hasn't been sleeping well, he's too busy worrying. It seems Dan has infinite things to worry about in his life now: Quinn, school, friends, his father, his mother, his Aunty leaving, Phil; just to name a few.

Dan gets ready in half an hour, hugging Quinn an his aunty goodbye before he walks out his front door, his backpack weighing him down slightly. Dan has become an emotionless soul now - all he feels is sadness and even Quinn triggers that emotion, seeing him just makes Dan feel even worse.

Also, there is the fact that there is absolutely no way for Dan to convey his emotions through anything vocal. Dan pauses along the path, slamming his fist into the brick wall beside him. He repeats it until his knuckles are split and bleeding. The pain Dan feels physically now is nothing compared to what he feels emotionally.

"Dan?" a voice asks, and Dan sleepily turns to see Phil standing there, tears in his eyes.

Dan just stands there, staring at Phil, overcome with so many emotions all at once it's overwhelming. Dan has suddenly gone from feeling nothing at all to feeling so many emotions; pain, happiness, guilt, loneliness, longing, hurt...

Phil doesn't say anything more. He doesn't say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'it will get better' like everyone else has done, he doesn't say any empty words. Instead, Phil closes the gap between them and pulls Dan into a fierce hug, not letting go.

Dan grips Phil tightly, as if Phil is his lifeline, and he buries his face into Phil's shoulder. Phil is wearing the Jake the Dog sweater, and just being in Phil's embrace makes Dan feel at home. He's so tired, and so emotional.

And for the first time since his mother passed away, Dan lets the tears out, sobbing heavily into Phil's shoulder, his breathing jagged and loud. Phil doesn't say anything though, no comforting words. Instead, he just holds Dan, and that's enough.

After merge moments or hours, Dan has lost sense of time, they pull away from each other, Dan wiping his eyes with his sleeve and Phil shoving his hands into his pockets. Dan looks down at his hand, his knuckles are covered with dry blood and sting when ever Dan curls his hand into a fist.