The Untold Story of Alice // Ed Sheeran

Been This Way Since 18

It feels like I'm on auto pilot. Like my life is just drifting now, on its own, and I'm okay with that. It feels nice to go with the flow. Yet, there is always a sudden lump in my chest, almost like I was going to cry. Constantly attached to me and I can’t drop the tears that pool into my eyes when I find myself thinking of her. My mind ends up shutting sound out and everyone who speaks to me, when I am off in my own world. 

My tongue has gone silent. I feel like everything I say gets judged, so I talk less now. Like she just switched it off. I've lost my mind. The only time I can find myself talking – gabbing away without exactly stopping, is when I’m up on stage. While that occasion is rare, I like how it feels to let myself fall back into the normal.

Alice is left with where she is – with her uncle and tackling school. I wander the streets of London, trying to find a place I actually belong, while she already knows where and who she belongs with.

“I’m coming over,” She tells me over the phone. Her voice low. I end up hanging up and left wondering if she really was going to come. It would be my first time in a while actually seeing her. Only her voice is heard – after all, she’s always too busy to visit.

As soon as I opened the door; she flung herself into my arms, and began sobbing uncontrollably. I pull her in close, not sure what else to do, and let her cry it out. Her tremors and sighs hit me like an ice storm. Something so dramatic coming from her shocked me.

I lead her over to the table. "What's wrong?" I had asked.

"I just - I...don't know anymore!" She cries. Her tears staining my shirt in their wake. She tries to calm herself down, but it’s no use. She couldn’t. “I needed a second of normality. To be here with you. Just talk to me like I’m not a fucking lunatic for just a second.”

“What?” I say. I wasn’t sure what she meant as I was left just looking at her.

I realized how deadly she actually looked. Her lips painfully white, as if all the color was drained out, pale face. I wonder why she looked so sick. Maybe she was ill. I wanted to tell her to go lie down, but I decided against it.

It looks like everything in her has been wiped out. The lights within her have gone out. Her face sinking and tired from crying too much. I don't mention her change though, I wait for her to tell me what is wrong. 

"Alice, why did you come here?" I ask, my voice laced with bitter and she bit her lip. 

"I wanted to see you, okay?" She says and I nod. "I wanted to see how well you are doing and how amazing you look. I wanted to feel your closeness." She gets up and places her hand in mine. “I wanted to act like we were teenagers again. I want to look at our old pictures.”

She sits back down with anguish. I just want to grab her in my arms and never let go. We both stay silent for a second.

"I always thought drugs were supposed to be fun. Everyone goes fucking crazy for just that little bit. As if they need it." She stutters and laughs to herself. "It's like: Come on people, get over it. It isn't like you'll die without it!" 

I shut my eyes and try not to think of the way she said that. Instead I said, "When you have a habit it's not easy to stop." 

"You would know that," Alice laughs and wipes away the tears. Her black make up smearing. "I love it." 

She stands up and flicks her hair off her shoulder. Now she looked generally happy to see me. I shook my head and she smiled, but I knew she didn't mean the smile at all. She wanted to cry some more. 

I take a seat on the couch and grab the beer off the table. My last one. And I plan on making it my last one for a while. I pop the cap and she scoots down next to me.