Let Me In

17. No sympathy

Chapter Seventeen. No Sympathy

Waking up and seeing that my son was wrapped around me, made me feel so lucky and sent a flow of emotions through me. Jace really didn't deserve me. No matter how much he loved me it still never changed the fact that I wasn't a good mother for him.

I looked down at Jace and he looked so peaceful. I carefully brushed a few strands of his hair out of his angelic face. Slowly peeling the covers off of me, I climbed out of the bed, careful not to wake Jace up. I walked out of his room and into mine.

I sighed as I picked up my phone and saw that it was half past ten. What time did I go to bed last night? I remembered being awake for half the night constantly worrying about school and trying to get rid of any thoughts about Blake.

Right now I should've been in school and in the middle of my second lesson, but since I was not in the mood at all, I decided that I wasn't going to school or take Jace to nursery. I was going to stay at home with Jace; just me and my little boy.

"Mummy we not going school?" A little groggy voice asked. I turned around and saw Jace holding his Elmo doll and sucking one thumb. I shook my head at him and gave him a small smile.

"No sweetie."

"Why?"

"Mummy's a little sick honey, maybe tomorrow you can go. But today you're staying at home with mummy," I explained to him as he came walking up to me. I picked him up and settled him on my hip. I walked into the kitchen but stopped at the doorframe when I remembered that I didn't have any food in the house.

Oh shit!

What the hell was I going to do? I quickly dashed around looking in the fruit bowl for an apple at least but there wasn't any fruit. What the hell had I been doing? I could have sworn I went shopping... Wait. When was the last time I went shopping, properly?

Suddenly my phone started ringing blaring out the ringtone. I decided to ignore it and carry on thinking about what I was going to give Jace for breakfast. I put Jace down on the floor and groaned, rubbing my temple.

"Jace are you hungry, baby?" I asked quietly.

"Yes mummy."

Oh for fuck sake! I ran a hand through my hair as I tried to think of something to do.

"Err honey, Mummy hasn't got any food for you, but do you like soup-"

"Mummy we can go shopping?" Jace said, interrupting me.

Ignoring the sting in my eyes from where the tears were beginning to form, I started, "Jace, mummy doesn't have much money-"

"Mummy go to work?"

"Mummy doesn't have a job sweetie." Why was life so damn hard and difficult? I couldn't keep living like this; my life was way too fucked up. There was nothing that could be saved or be salvaged from my broken life.

"Jace I'm so sorry," I said shakily as a few tears dropped from my eyes. I bit my lip hard so that I wouldn't start sobbing out loud in front of Jace. I knew he got really upset every time I cried and the last thing I wanted to do was make his life even worst.

Not being able to hold my sobs, I ran into my room and slammed the door shut. I sat down against the door and I put my head in my knees.

Elle you are a bad mother.

Elle you can't cope.

Elle you're useless.

Eleanor you can't even look after your own child-