Dancing with fire. [A Severus Snape fan fiction]

A talk with Dumbledore

Severus

The sun was just beginning to set as I gazed out of Dumbledores office window. I could feel the last rays warming my skin, I sighed at how pleasant it felt. Then I saw her. I straightened as she ran through the trees, she was bare foot. I smiled. She was so different from anyone I had ever met. Her long raven hair was rippling behind her with energy move she made. She was wearing a short white dress that clung to her in all the right places. I could feel my body responding as I continued to watch her. I had never expected to feel this way about another woman. I had condemned myself to being alone. It was what I deserved. How could I be happy after what I had done? The guilt was a poison that I lived with. I knew I was becoming heartless, miserable and cruel. But it kept people away and besides I didn't deserve to be liked. Yet... from nowhere a beautiful, carefree temptress has found her way into my life. She seems to see something in me that I can not. The way she smiles whenever she sees me, actually takes my breath away.
"Hem hem."
The sound of Dumbledore clearing his throat behind me made me jump out my skin. "headmaster" I muttered, embarrassed by the fact I had been caught off guard. "I'm sorry if I alarmed you Severus." Dumbledore chuckled mildly. "Not at all." I lied through pursed lips. He moved over to join me at the window, his hands clasped behind his back. "It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?" He said brightly. He was bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. I nodded in reply, then cast my eyes over to the forbidden forest trying to find Phoenix. I could sense Dumbledore looking at me, but I didn't turn. " She's very striking, don't you think? " He asked inquisitivly. My head snapped round to face him. His electric blue eyes were boring into mine. I didn't know what to say, so I shrugged. "She seems to be settling in well." He continued non pulsed. I tore my gaze from Dumbledore. My eyes settled on his desk. My heart skipped a beat as the memory of my encounter with Phoenix came flooding back. I quickly glanced out of the window at the forbidden forest and saw her talking to Hagrid. My insides squirmed with jealousy. I shook my head. What was wrong with me? I walked away from the window. Dumbledores gaze was following my every move. "Was there something you wished to discuss Headmaster?" I asked him calmly. Dumbledores eyes sparkled as he surveyed me with great interest. "It has been brought to my attention that you have taken...an interest in our new professor." He spoke these words very carefully. I bit the inside of my mouth. Of course he knew, I bet one of the portraits probably had had the greatest of pleasure telling him of my moment of weakness. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean headmaster." My mouth had gone dry. He let the silence between us stretch out uncomfortably. "Severus." He smiled kindly, "nothing would make me happier seeing you finally find some shred of happiness." My eyes widened in disbelief. Of all the things I was expecting to hear from him, this wasn't one of them. I started pacing the room. "I don't deserve her." I muttered under my breath. I ran my fingers through my hair. I felt all the fears and doubts I had bubbling to the surface. "I am a bad person Albus. The very worst. How can I be happy after everything I have done?!" The words burst from me before I could stop myself. "They died because of me. She died because of me, her child is out there an orphan because of me!!" my voice shook. "But, whenever I'm with Phoenix..."I trailed off, looking down at the floor feeling disgusted with myself. I had ended up back at the window looking for my shining light. Dumbledore, who had remained silent as I ranted and raved now joined me. He placed a hand on my arm which made me flinch despite myself. "Severus. Perhaps I alone know how much you have suffered. What you did was a terrible, terrible mistake. I know without a doubt that if you could change the events of the past then you would." I nodded furiously. "Of course I would Albus!" He waved his hand at me, "but Severus, life is too short to dwell on the past." He looked out the window, "she has come into your life for a reason. Don't let your past stop your future." He turned to me. "A life without love is but no life at all." He smiled warmly. "Go to her Severus." He turned his back and settled himself at his desk. I stood where I was watching Phoenix walk back towards her cottage. I couldn't believe what had just happened, and despite the tremendous guilt that plagued my thoughts, I couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. It was as if Dumbledores approval had unlocked something inside me which I had given up on ever since my betrayal. For the first time since Lilly Evans I felt my heart flutter excitedly. "Thank you Albus." I whispered. As I turned to leave his office I thought I heard him say, "I could have sworn I put that letter on my desk...."

I had never felt so alive, at that moment, all I wanted to do was find Phoenix and hold her close to me. I walked briskly to the main entrance. I pushed the heavy oak doors open, stepped into the twilight and into a new life.