Dancing with fire. [A Severus Snape fan fiction]

Snapes confession

Phoenix

The autumn had really started to kick in. The leaves were falling thick and fast, transforming the grounds into a carpet of various shades of gold, red and orange. I was in my garden, wrapped up in my fir lined cloak, trimming back my lavender and Rosemary. I was so absorbed in my work I didn't see him approach.
"Good morning."
His voice was like steel but it made me close my eyes with pleasure. As I straightened up, there he was. The wind was blowing his long black hair into his face. I smiled at him. He smiled back but it seemed strained. "Is everything alright Severus? " I inquired. He didn't reply. He opened the gate and pulled me into his arms. I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his chest. He brought his hand up to my face and gently caressed my cheek. I turned my face to smell his hand. His hands always smelled different every time I was with him. Depending on which potions ingredients he had been using that day. Today he smelled of powdered orris root. I kissed his palm. "Severus What's wrong?" I asked. Again he didn't say a word. He just looked down at me with the saddest expression. I very slowly began to detach myself from his embrace. I grabbed his hands and led the way up the garden path. As we walked into my kitchen I could feel the little hairs on the back of my neck prickle. There was something about the way Severus had looked at me while I was in the garden, that had my stomach in knots. " Do you want something to drink?" I asked nervously. "No thank you Phoenix." He replied. I busied myself at the kitchen counter, keeping my back to him. "Severus please tell me whats wrong?" I heard him draw a deep breath.
" I don't know how to do this." He whispered. I felt my heart plummet. "What do you mean?" I retorted, still with my back to him. "Phoenix, before I met you, I was nothing. I was a shell of a man. You have dragged me into your glorious light. You have stirred... feelings within me that I honestly didn't think exisisted anymore. You are the reason I get up in the morning, you make me smile, you give my life real meaning." The words tumbled from him as if the flood gates had been opened. I could hear him breathing heavily. "Severus What's going on? " I replied calmly.
"Phoenix I haven't been completely honest with you. " He muttered. I spun around to face him. He jumped slightly at the sudden movement, his pupils were dilated and I could see his pulse throbbing in his neck. I glared at him, willing him to continue.

" I was a death eater."

I felt like I had been sucker punched, my entire body felt cold.
"That's not possible." I whispered. "If you were a death eater you would have the.." and then it dawned on me. My eyes fell on his left arm. 'I caught my arm on the cauldron' that was what he had told me. I advanced towards Severus. He flinched but did nothing to stop me. I ripped up the arm of his robe. Sure enough, there it was. It had paled slightly over the years, but there was no denying it was definitely the dark mark. All of a sudden I felt like I was burning with rage. Before I could stop myself I pulled my hand back and slapped him as hard as I could. The sound reverberated around my tiny kitchen.
"How dare you lie to me Severus! How could you keep something like this from me!" I gestured to his arm. As I looked at him I could see the angry red mark I had left across his cheek. He didn't answer and his silence was infuriating. I started to pace the kitchen. My body was flooded with adrenaline and my instincts were screaming out for me to get the hell out of here. A deatheater. I looked down at the man I adored. Could he really be a killer? "Is the rumour true? Did you have to murder someone to become a deatheater? " I waited with baited breath, silently praying for the answer I knew wouldn't be coming.

"Yes." He whispered.

"Who"

"my father." He replied

I felt my jaw drop. My eyes flew open desperately seeking out Severus. He had floored me with this confession. His father?! I didn't know what to do. I felt a strange tingling in the pit of my stomach. I too had never got on with my father and I would go as far as to say that I hated him. But to kill him? A wave of unexpected excitement coursed through me. I bit the inside of my lip as a distraction for being so deeply immoral. I looked at Severus intently. I had seen first hand what damage that monster had inflicted on him.
This was too much. My head was pounding. I decided to ignore my feelings of compassion, I needed to know more.
"How the hell can you be here, doing what your doing, working under Albus Dumbledore when you worked for Voldemort? " I glared at him. He stared at me with such intensity, that I had to look away.
"I was a deatheater, many years ago. You don't know what my life was like. I was living in hell Phoenix, and the Dark Lord provided a way out. He offered me power and a chance to be someone. So I took it. I know that doesn't excuse what I've done." He added as he shook his head slowly. I waited patiently for him to continue. "You see, I possessed certain talents that the Dark Lord was very keen to exploit. I worked with the Dark Lord. I did everything I could to impress him. I know it sounds perverse but I desperately craved his approval. I wanted to prove how loyal I was, how brilliant I was. But then everything changed the night I overheard a prophecy. A prophecy that would change my world as I knew it. It spoke of the Dark Lords downfall, and so I told him." He stopped as he dropped his head into his hands. "The prophecy spoke of a baby being born on the 31st of July, and he would possess powers that the Dark Lord does not. I had no idea what his plans were, but after some investigation he informed me that the baby in question would be born to James Potter and Lilly Evans." Severus gulped. "I hated James. He tormented me and bullied me throughout our school days at Hogwarts. But Lilly, Lilly was different. In fact, besides you my love, " He looked up at me hopefully. " Lilly Evans was my only friend. My best friend perhaps." I looked away, I couldn't help the writhing jealously that snaked its way through me.
"The Dark Lord intended to murder them all. I panicked and came to the only person I knew who could help. Albus Dumbledore. I swore to him that I would do anything if it meant he would help protect them. From then on, I worked as a double agent. I was Dumbledores inside man. But even with all our help, Voldemort still murdered them." I looked back over to him. He was clenching his fists. " I pledged my life to bringing him down. I will not rest until he is dead." He spat the words out like they were poison. I regarded him for a moment. This was huge, but it explained exactly why he was the way he was. One thing was puzzling me though.
" How on earth can you fool Voldemort into believing you are still working for him, when in fact you're working for Dumbledore? " Severus looked up at me. "The Dark Lord is a highly skilled wizard, but he is extremely ignorant and conceited. He never for one second thought that anyone else could possess a skill on par with himself."
"What do you mean?" I asked as I narrowed my eyes at him.
"He didn't know that I am a highly skilled occlumens and legilimens. I am able to extract and manipulate the thoughts and memories of others while being able to shield my own thoughts and memories." As he finished he looked guiltily up at me.
"Have you ever used this on me?" I asked suddenly. He slowly got up from the table. "Only once, I swear." He replied. My temper immediately flared once more as I stormed over to him, but this time he was ready for me. He caught my wrist before I could slap him. "Let go of me!" I shrieked. I raised my left hand, ready to fight but he grabbed that too. I felt something inside me snap and I fought desperately to escape his grip. "Let me go!" I roared as I bucked and squirmed but he pulled me tight to his body. His arms were like an iron vice, his body felt as hard as steel, and despite everything I felt a burning desire deep within me as my body responded to him. "No" He hissed though his clenched teeth. "I'm not letting you go until you've heard it all."
"I don't want to hear any more! I've heard enough. You've lied and omitted truths all the way through this relationship. How the hell am I supposed to trust you?" I yelled. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I had never felt so betrayed. I loved him. I loved him from the bottom of my heart but now it seemed to have all been just a lie. "Phoenix, please. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I just...didn't know what to say. I was frightened I would lose you, if you knew the real me. I know I shouldn't have lied. Please Phoenix my feelings for you are so real and so strong. You are my world, my universe." He gently traced his fingers across my hands. I rested my aching head into his chest. I could hear his heart racing.
"I need some time to think Severus." I sighed. "I need some space." I had stopped struggling, so he loosened his grip.
"Please go." I whispered. He slowly unwrapped his arms.
"Will I see you at lunch? " He asked sadly. " I don't know," I replied. He nodded his head then slowly walked out of my cottage. As I watched him go my mind was reeling. I always knew he had issues. You just had to look at him to know he was bad news. But if I'm honest, it was one of the reasons why I found him so attractive. He was a bad boy. So when I thought about it, was I really that surprised he was a deatheater and did I really care?! I felt an uncomfortable lurch in my stomach. Truth of the matter was, I was far more upset about his omission and lies then the confession itself! I shook my head. Wow, well if that was the case then what on earth did that make me? I was starting to see why the sorting hat had placed me into Slytherclaw, obviously my morals were somewhat debatable!