Dancing with fire. [A Severus Snape fan fiction]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Phoenix

Three weeks had passed since Severus' confession. It was the longest I had gone without speaking to him since I started working at Hogwarts. I had thrown myself into organising the Christmas dance performance which was slowly creeping up on me. I hadn't seen Severus at any meals, and whenever I ventured down to his classroom he wasn't there. I was beginning to get extremely worried. All I wanted was to see him, talk to him and feel his embrace. I had thought endlessly about Severus covering up his past. But I couldn't deny that I loved him. No matter what he had been involved with. He was still a brilliant wizard and a wonderful man. The truth of the matter was I felt completely lost without him. I had just finished breakfast when I decided to try talking to Albus about Severus. After giving the password (candyfloss) and climbing the staircase, I was about to knock when a familiar voice behind the door made me choke back a cry.
"I don't want to remain here Albus. It's torture. Please, just let me leave." The lost pleading quality of his voice made my chest constrict with panic.
"Severus.  You know I can't let you leave" Albus said slowly. "Have you tried talking to her? " He added carefully.
"She doesn't want anything to do with me Albus!" Severus roared. I could hear his footsteps pacing the office. "I've lost her. The woman I thought I would never find. I loved her Albus." His voice broke, as did my heart.
I had never heard him say that he loved me. I felt tears slide silently down cheeks. I wish I hadn't let this go on for so long. Why hadn't I gone to him sooner? I hated to imagine what he had been through these past few weeks. He had already suffered so much at the hands of others. I placed my hand over my mouth to try and stifle the sobs that were racking my body.

"I love her" He whispered.

I couldn't bear it any longer, with a trembling hand I reached out and knocked on the headmasters door.

Silence. Then, "come in" called the voice of Albus Dumbledore. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door. Tears were still trickling down my face as I looked from Albus to Severus. "I'll leave you two to talk." Albus said gently as he brushed past me. I looked down at Severus who was now settled in front of Dumbledores desk. He was staring out the window. His back was ram rod straight.
"Severus" I cried. He didn't respond. I stood in the doorway trembling from head to toe. "Severus, look at me." I pleaded. Very slowly he began to turn towards me. He looked terrible. Like he hadn't slept or eaten for days. " I'm so sorry" I whispered. "I should come to find you sooner" I took a small step forward. He was looking at a spot on the wall about two feet above my head. "I miss you." As the words left my mouth I realised just how true they were. I had missed him terribly. He still wasn't looking at me, but he seemed to be fighting the urge to say something. "Severus. Please talk to me" I cried in desperation. Then his eyes locked with mine.
"What do you want me to say? " He snapped. His face was contorted and his expression was cold. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for acting the way I have done. I just needed some time and space to think. However, I can't bear it any longer. I can't stand being without you. I've missed you so much Sev." I continued walking towards him. He was glaring at me but remained silent. "I understand that your past is. ... complicated. I understand that.."
"No you don't" He interrupted,
"I'm sorry?" I asked.
"I said, no you don't."
"Don't what?" I retorted.
"You don't understand about my past." He spat,"and judging from the way you've reacted recently, I seriously doubt you ever will." He looked at me like I was something extremely unpleasant.  I stood frozen on the spot, as my cheeks began to flush with humiliation and anger. He had some nerve. But I pushed my anger to one side. "Severus, what are you saying?" I whispered. He closed his eyes. "I don't think this is going to work." He replied. A sob escaped me before I could stop it. "No" I said firmly. "I won't let you push me away. I want to be a part of your life. I want more than anything to understand you and to be there for you." I forced myself to walk over to him and brought myself down to his level by crouching on my knees. I reached for his hand and entwined my fingers with his. "But Severus, you've got to let me in. You've got to learn that you can trust me." His head was hung so that his long black hair obscured his face. I waited. My heart drumming anxiously. Very slowly he began to withdraw his hand. "Phoenix. I've got to do what's right, and if that means letting you go..."He spoke these words slowly. His voice sounded thick with emotion. I shot up and forced myself onto his lap. "Now you listen to me Severus Snape." I placed my hands on either side of his face and forced him to look at me. "Me and you are meant for each other. Don't you dare think otherwise." I ran my thumb over the lips I knew so well. He looked at me with the saddest expression. " Baby" I whispered as I kissed his cheek, then continued to trail kisses across his jaw. " I love you" I breathed as I brushed my lips against his. Then, as if some sort of spell had been broken, he gripped my waist, pulled me tightly against his body and kissed me hard. It was like a jolt of electricity running through me. I finally felt like I was home. My body was yearning for his touch. When we finally pulled apart we were both panting with the effort of holding ourselves back.
"I truly am a coward" Severus growled. I furrowed my brows in confusion. "I should let you go. If I truly wanted to do the best for you, I should keep away from you. But I can't. " He finished. I wrapped my arms around his neck. "You're going to have a hard time keeping me away Sev, because I don't want to live my life without you." I kissed his cheek them gingerly got to my feet. "Listen, I've got to go. I have a year five rumba class to teach in ten minutes. Will you join me for lunch?" I asked whilst secretly keeping all my fingers and toes crossed, desperately hoping he would say yes. "Maybe" He replied quietly. As I left the office my head was pounding with pent up anxiety. Surely he wouldn't leave? I asked myself. A single tear fell as I desperately tried to pull myself together.

Severus

I felt like I had fallen one hundred feet from a broomstick. My insomnia had returned with  avengence and I had to resort to taking a sleeping potion. Consequently, I had been feeling groggy and worn out pretty much all the time. It obviously didn't help matters that all I could think about was how I had lost Phoenix. This morning had been the final straw. I hadn't seen her for three weeks and I was thinking the worst. That was why I had come to Dumbledore. I couldn't bear it any longer. I knew before I had even opened my mouth that my efforts were in vain, but even so I had to try. I hadn't expected her to come and find me. It was torture. Just being in her presence almost physically hurt me. It had taken so much effort to even look at Phoenix, but the second I locked eyes with her I felt a tidal wave of longing, loss and love wash over me. Every moment we ever had, every kissed we had ever shared was right there in her tear filled eyes. It tore my heart apart to see her looking so broken. I had missed her terribly. But deep down I knew the best course of action was to keep her away, to let her go. And I tried, I really tried to. But when she sat on my lap I felt all my grievances slip away. I could smell the sweetness of her hair, I could feel the warmth of her body against mine, I could taste the soft kisses she was trailing across me, and I knew that I would move heaven and earth for this woman. Phoenix had just left to teach a class. I was still at in Dumbledores office. My mind reeling with what had just happened. I was staring out the window when Dumbledore quietly re entered the room.         " Severus" He whispered, I nodded my head in reply. "Severus I'm no expert but, perhaps you should follow her? " I looked up at the piercing blue eyes of the headmaster a hint of a smile was playing on his lips. I shot up causing the chair to fall backwards onto the floor. "Thank you Albus" I croaked, as I promptly left his office in search of my Phoenix.