Learning To Live

Chapter 4

~Kellin~

"Sir?" I asked, slightly dazed by the abrasive welcome i received. "Oh! No sir! He's merely a friend... if I could even call him that." I said slightly upset. I never know the difference between someone just being nice, and someone being my friend. He did invite me to his house. That's a friend action right?

"No you can't!" He said back. What? I'm so confused.

"What do you mean?" I asked calmly.

"You can't call him a friend. He's just going to do what the last "friend" did and then leave. Can't you tell that's all people want from you? Oh my god. Do you even remember what happened?! Holy shit, you wanted it didn't you?!"

"No sir! I promise. I hated it!"

"No you probably loved it. You fucking slut. GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOM!" He said angrily. I stepped away from him and began up the stairs.

"I promise I didn't." I said starting to tear up. I can't. I can't do this. I can't do any of this anymore. It's too much and I can't handle it. I ran to my bedroom and locked the door. Sliding down the interior of the door to my room, I listed my options. I could either cut, go to sleep, or just simply disappear.

I can't go to sleep. My nightmares would be horrible considering the conversation that just occurred. I can't end it because I don't want my father or that bitch to win. That leaves one thing...

I walked to my dresser and grabbed the razor sitting on it. I sunk down to the floor and checked to make sure the door was locked. I put the metal to my skin and for once I thought about why I was going to do it. I got home from Vic's and- Vic..... i was supposed to text or call him. I want to do it though, I need the distraction. i need the physical pain to lessen the emotional hurt. I dont want to talk to him, he'll ask me to stop. Then again, I did get him to eat after starving himself for a while.

I got up and trudged over to the bed. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and found his number in my phone. I started a message but soon called him because I wouldn't know how to start the text.

The phone rang for a while and then hung up. I thought it was a glitch, so I called again. It did the same thing. Maybe he's asleep? It's only been ten minutes and it took us eight to get here. Oh well. Maybe he doesn't care... i sat on the edge of my bed. Technically he just said to call or text him. I did call him. And if he wants me to talk to him, I can talk to him after.

I drug the metal across my skin. It stung but for once, I was only thinking about one thing at a time. The feeling. How it stung, and caught on certain places on my skin. How it made me feel numb to everything other than what was happening.

I pulled off my bracelets from my wrist and kept running the razor up to my hand across my arm.

My arm was covered in blood. I got up and walked to the attached bathroom and rinsed the liquid off my arm. I rinsed the blade with peroxide and then rinsed off the chemicals so it wouldn't rust. I put the blade back and grabbed gauze out of my drawer. I wrapped my arm and then turned off the light before laying on my bed. I pulled my phone to my face and plugged in my earbuds.

Music from various artists filled my mind as I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I woke up with a jolt and heard myself screaming. I threw my blanket off and backed against the wall beside my bed.

I was panting and pouring sweat. Warm tears spilled down my face. My throat hurt and my father was knocking on my door, yelling profanities through the wood. I covered my ears and started humming whatever tune was in my head. I was panicking and could still hear my father through the wall. I need music. I need a distraction.