Learning To Live

Chapter 22

~Vic~

I woke up to Kellin trembling and crying. He was gripping my torso really tightly. "Wake up, love. You're okay." I whispered to him. His arms tightened but his body relaxed a bit. Then he started screaming. "Kellin, wake up. Come on, you're safe. I'm right here." I shook him and when he didn't wake up, I sat up and looked at him. I've realized  that he has sleep terrors. He doesn't know but that's why they're so vivid and why they actually cause him physical pain. I learned that it's best if I don't try to wake him up because it will just make it worse for him. So instead I just have to sit and wait for him to wake up. It kills me and I try not to watch him but I have to so I know that he's okay. He screamed again and I wanted to wake him up but I knew it wouldn't work.

"Don't worry about it. It's just a nightmare, he'll wake up soon." Mike said as he walked into the room. I guess he woke him up with his yelling because he moved lazily and his eyes drooped.

"Hey bubba..." He smiled as he heard the old nickname.

"I'm right in the other room. He's okay. You can come get me if you need me though."

"Okay thank you." He nodded and walked out after lightly patting my back.

I rubbed Kellin's back and his arms that were still wrapped around my waist. "Come on, baby. You're okay." He screamed again and cried harder. I kept holding him and rubbing my hand over his skin until his eyes shot open a few minutes later and he jumped up. He was clutching his chest over his heart as he ran over towards the bathroom but his body shook and he curled up before he could make it to the door.

"Vic-" I was already beside him and I rubbed his back. "Bathroom. Please." I went to pick him up but before I could grab him, he puked on the carpet so instead I sat down and pulled him with me. He kept throwing up so I just sat and held him.

"It's fine. Don't worry." He was trying to get to the bathroom but it was making him weaker. "Just let go. It's fine, I promise." I kissed his temple and moved his hair out of his face. When he finally stopped, he was trembling and squirming around.

"Oh no." He tried to get up but I tightened my grip on him.

"Just sit for a minute. Let yourself recoup."

"Vic, I need to go into the bathroom."I picked him up and carried him in. "This isn't what I meant. My arms relaxed as I sat him on the closed toilet lid and walked out but left the door cracked. I knew he wouldn't use the bathroom. He already did. He was having a really bad panic attack and started puking so I understand and its not a big deal. Quickly, I changed my shirt and put on different shorts. I made my way over to the linen closet and grabbed a towel and two wash cloths along with the swim shorts he had on the first day he was here before moving back into the room with Kellin.

"Hey Kellin? Trust me, okay?" He looked up at me and nodded. I walked over to the bathtub and started the water then turned back to look at him. He was slouched where he sat and he could barely hold his head up. I doubt he would  have the energy to wash himself let alone even stand up the shower. I slowly moved my hands to grab the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head, being careful not to let any of the throw up get on his face. While one hand discarded the garment, the other went to the waistband of his pants.

"Vic don't do th-" He weakly opened his eyes and tried to sit up straighter.

"Just trust me." I paused to look him in the eyes.

"Okay. I do." He nodded feebly. I unbuttoned the jeans he was wearing and pulled them down his legs and onto the floor. He was starting to fidget and get scared so he tried to sit up more. 
"You're okay." I reached down and grabbed the swim shorts and handed them to him. He watched as I draped a towel over his legs and then turned to wet one of the wash cloths and put soap on it. I cleaned my legs as he struggled to pull the shorts up. When I rinsed them off there was a weak tap on my shoulder. I looked over at him and he weakly frowned. He barely got them to his knees so I turned to help him pull them up some. When my hands got to the edge of the towel, he started to grab at them to move the pants himself so I let go and instead busied myself with plugging the drain so he could situate the clothes around his hips. After a short time, he tried to stand up so I turned and put my hand on his shoulder until he sat back down. I moved the towel and picked him up to set him in the tub. He immediately leaned against the wall and tried to pull his knees to his chest to cover up.

"It's okay. Its like you're in the pool except there's soap." I joked trying to make him feel more comfortable. He giggled slightly and relaxed some. I turned around and grabbed the other washcloth off the counter.

"I can do it." His eyes were closed and he made no attempt to move as he spoke so I softly touched the rag to the skin of his arm.

"It's fine. I don't mind." I wiped off all of the remains of his panic attack and then turned around so he could wash under his bathing suit. He mumbled an 'okay' and I smiled at him and grabbed a clean towel and boxers. I came into the room and he was rinsing out his hair.

"I'm clean." He whispered to me from the tub. I nodded and chuckled slightly to myself as he pulled the plug and held his arms up for me to help him. When he was standing on the tile floor, I dried off his hair, chest, stomach, arms, back, and part of his legs, then turned around as he changed out the wet suit for the underwear. He laid his head against my chest as I carried him into the room. I sat him on the bed so I could get the stuff to clean up the mess on the carpet and he watched with a guilty face from where he sat.

When the floor was deemed clean, I sat on the bed beside him. "I told you that you were sick."

"No. I puked because of my anxiety."

"Then why are you still so weak?" He shrugged.

"Okay, good point." I smiled and went to lay with him but he sat up and tried to get out of the bed. "We don't need to be that close if I'm sick." He explained.

"Lay back down. You're fine." I moved my arm around his shoulders and guided him to lay back down.

"But-"

"Just lay down, babe. Don't worry about it." I stood and turned the lights off again and then laid beside him on the bed.

"Warning... I uh.. I used to be really cuddly when I didn't feel good when I was little and didn't feel good so now that I trust someone again, it might come back." I just looked at him for a moment before he spoke again, quieter this time. "I don't know, I just thought I should say something."

"You're fine. Go back to sleep." He curled up more and put his hands on my chest. "I love you."

"I love you too." He replied hoarsely before we both smiled.