I Do Not Dance

Chapter 15

They say that we only appreciate things once they're gone. But what if they'vebeen gone for so long you can't remember them?

I felt sound be sucked out of the room. Like a giant vacuum cleaner suckingeverything and everyone up with it. My body felt weightless and the numbnesskicked in. It was like being punched in the stomach until your stomach turned toputty. And even as I think of ways to describe the feeling the words don't seem to beable to capture it.

I felt my shoulder being tugged at. Voices speaking to me, but they were so far awayI couldn't reach them.

Even if I wanted to.

But I didn't

And just as fast as that vacuum cleaner had sucked me in, it puked me back out.

"I'm going mom! I'm not leaving her to deal with this on her own." Isaw Montana look at her mom with certain fierceness to her.

I looked up to my mother who just nodded her head to Montana's mom in approval.

"We can take her with us, but we need to leave now."

Montana ran upstairs to her room and in less than five minutes she was back downwith two blue plaid suit cases.

She grabbed my shoulder as we left her house.

My brain couldn't fully wrap itself around the words my mother had said.

I had heard her say them.

I knew what they meant.

I understood them.

But they wouldn't go in me. It was like the transparent blanket of numbness thathad covered me wouldn't let it sink in.

I didn't even notice when we boarded the plane. Everything was surreal and still.Like if this was some kind of sick movie that I was watching through someone else'seyes. This was someone else's reality, someone else's pain.

If only.

It was just like everything had been when we left it. Life in California had gone onwithout me. And I had gone without it. Yet it brought me back, it brought me backto a cruel reality.

I think I finally started feeling the pain when I had to put on that black dress. It wasshort, accentuated my long legs and had a small sheer, sparkly fabric surroundingthe hem of it. A satin black bow tied it on the back and a low scoop neck with crystalbeading to finish it off. On any other occasion this might have been a beautiful littleblack dress. But I hated it. I wanted to rip it off me. I refused to talk to my motherabout my father. Montana tried comforting me or getting me to talk. But I was numb.I only wanted to be numb of emotion and of anything that might resemble feeling.

The day of the funeral the clouds hung low. My hair was carefully pinned into abeautiful braid that Montana had nicely fashioned. The church where my father'sbody was lying, was in a casket in the middle of the church. I looked to my sides andsaw about two dozen people sitting or crying on the church benches. My mothergave me George and told me to give her a minute. But it might as well been if she wasspeaking to the dead herself.

Because that's what I was.I was dead inside and slowly rotting until I would collapse in on myself.

I closed my eyes for a second and opened them to see my mom saying somethingabout Montana and I going to pay our respects. We walked side by side to his casketwhere it lay open.

It was like the closer I got the less I felt. I felt myself almost slowly evaporating intothe warm California air itself.

No warmth in me, nothing to bring me back to life. A shock of pain, anguish,anything that would've been able to cause the slightest amount of emotion in mewas gone.

My hands brushed against the smooth dark wood of the casket. I brushed my handagainst the maroon velvet the covered the inside. But what took whatever once ofstrength in me that I had left evaporated when I saw his face.

His face resembled fresh snow that had just been stepped on. It was smooth andhard. But drinking had not been kind to him. You could still see the lines under hiseyes, the wrinkles that had started forming on his face. There was no trace of the once bright and caring father I had. His hair had hints of white in it that made himlook older. I felt myself breaking from the inside, but the thing is. A person can onlybe so broken down on the inside until it catches up with the outside.

Everything seemed wrong. The church was too small, the room was too hot, thepeople kept staring at me.

And that's when it happened. That's when my insides broke up so much that youcould see it on my face.

The drop that spilled me over.

I had turned around to see Chelsea. But it wasn't her who had pushed me over theedge. It was what her long thin arm led to.

No, not her hand, the person holding it.

And of course HE had to come. Why?

Why together?

Why in my father's funeral. I already had one person who was supposed to love mebetray me completely. And look where he's now?! In a casket waiting to be buried!

I felt myself jump off that edge.

I ran. I pushed them out of my way with Montana screaming at my heels for me tostop.

I took off the flats I was wearing and ran to the nearest beach I could find. Pushingharder and faster every step, until I reached the rugged waves that were lapping atmy feet now.

And I screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

I fell to my knees. Not knowing what more I could take or what more would bethrown at me. I dug my hands into the sand digging in as hard as I could. Pulling itout in bare fists and throwing them back down with as much force as I could. Thetears rolled down my cheeks as I felt I was folding in on myself.

"Why!" I screamed into the ocean. Not as much as a question, but as a statement.

"Why did you have to leave!" I stood up with my fists clenched. My teeth chatterednow and I felt the energy that I had to run to the beach disappear.

"You screwed everything up!" I larger waved crashed into me making me fall.

I flipped myself over onto the sand and let the water just lap at my sides. Tearsstreamed down my face mercilessly. The salty taste of ocean water lingered in mymouth as I just lied there sprawled on the sand. The tears didn't stop as I just staredinto the darkening sky above me. I don't think they ever did stop. And I don't thinkthey ever will. I just wanted to let myself slip away into the ocean. Let it drag methrough its undercurrents into its deepest corner. And let me lie there. Let the waterflood me in every possible way of the word. To feel that numbness come back, but itwouldn't. I was stuck here with the pain. The pain that seemed as deep as theocean.

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Hey guys!!! OMG!!!!!!!!! this was just rushed... tomorrow is the deadline guys!! how can I?