Don't Let Me Go

Chapter 21

Harry's face was filled with emotions, everything from guilt to rage. I was lost for words and he had taken a seat next to me again, his face buried in his hands.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. 

"For what? Keeping this a secret? I can't trust you Harry, can I?" I said, too many questions at once for him since he was just looking at me with a confused glare. 

"For everything but really though it's not that big of a deal. I didn't do anything wrong." His voice had gotten a bit stronger and his tone was harsh. I was even more confused since his last sentence was filled with sorrow and worry but now he had turned in to a egocentric boy who refused to realize his mistakes. 

"Harry, my best friend and house mate has been your ex and she's begged you to take her back but you can't tell me anything about it, and you don't think it's that big of a deal? What is wrong with you?" I yelled towards him, throwing my hands in the air, almost hitting him in the face by accident but missed by an inch.

"I said no." He muttered slightly too loud.

"Still, you didn't tell me. Neither did she and you two are supposed to be the two I can trust the most. You are my boyfriend and in a relationship you are supposed to tell each other these things, no secrets. Who cares if I was your girlfriend when it happened, you should have told me." I spoke, trying to keep my voice steady even though my whole body was shaking and I had too many exploding feelings inside of me. 

Anger, confusion, concern, worry, sorrow, even a bit rage and all those feeling struck at the same time together with a lot more. Everything was just a ball of horrible emotions and it all was too much for me. 

"What was I supposed to say? 'Oh hi by the way your best friend came home to me a couple of days ago and asked for another chance, I said no and everything went on like normal'? Wow, that would have changed so much." He chuckled like everything was a joke.

"Yes! And it would, it would've changed a lot." I sighed, almost yelling again.

"What would have changed?" spoke Harry, looking with a scary look right in to my soul.

"A lot." I sighed. "You tell people stuff like this. Ariel is my best friend, what if the tables were turned and Louis and I did this to you?" I questioned.

"That's not the point." He shrugged.

"Just imagine it!" I yelled, looking at Harry who lowered his glare. "No, cause you can't. Then you'll realize you would be hurt too." I sighed. Harry didn't respond, just kept his glare low and avoided me. 

He had finally understood that it was wrong of him to not tell me. If he had told me I would have understood that he was a keeper, that I could trust him like I did before and that he cared enough about me. Ariel however I would deal with later but since Harry was present right now I could just yell at him.

"I love you." He whispered. I was not falling for the nice, sincere voice of his opening his heart up too me. No. I was not. Not at all. No. No. Oh damn.

"I love you." I promised.

Why was I like this? Why did I keep forgiving people I knew didn't deserve it. Not saying Harry would never be forgiven, just that he needed to prove himself before I could to so. 

"You still need to change and I've told you this before Harry. I can't be with you if you keep huge things like this away from me. Do you understand this now? I'll leave if you lie to me or keep this sort of stuff away from now." I informed, looking straight in to Harry's eyes but he didn't look they way I wanted back at me. He didn't look like he could change, he just looked like he didn't care. 

"I'm not your fucking toy, you can't just change me whenever you want to. I'm a damn person and I am the way I am and I'm not changing. If you love me you stay and if you don't you go." spoke Harry in a harsh tone and I was so surprised by his words all the emotions flooding inside my body just stopped. They went away, all of them, and I was empty inside without a respond to his damn statement. 

"You have to prove I can trust you." I sighed, not raising my voice since I understood Harry was just rebellious and wasn't really having what I said to him. "I know people who broke up for less." I said, looking at him. I wasn't going to break up with him, it was never in my intentions but since it was so hard for him to assure me that a change could be seen I was wondering where the Harry I fell in love with went.

"What about you?" spat Harry. "So it's okay for you to see Ariel's fucking ex then?" He spoke way too loudly and I was glad the music in the background lowered down our conversation for the neighbours.

"I didn't know back then, did I? And as you know he is being more honest with me than you are right now Harry." I warned him, knowing just mentioning Zayn being better than him would drive him insane. 

"I've never lied." yelled Harry. It was true words, he did never lie but I never actually claimed he did.

"I know." I sighed. "You just kept something away from me, now you're pretending that it's totally okay to boost your ego." I spoke and was surprised by the fact that I did dare to say these things to Harry. Since I was pretty shy and socially awkward this was a new side of me I've never seen.

"My ego." He laughed. "Wow, never thought you could be like this." sighed Harry while he changed his position on the bed. I never thought I could be like this but I'm pretty glad that I'm standing up for myself instead of just letting myself down as I normally do.

"Harry why don't you just confirm it's wrong, we both know you are like this cause this is the only reaction you have when you aren't right." I whispered, understanding that since Harry always got his way no one had stood up to him, and especially not when he was the wrong one. This was simply Harry's only learned reaction on how to deal with people not agreeing with you.

"You are the one that's wrong. You want to change me cause I'm not like you, I don't fit in your life with happy thoughts and spending my days on the sofa with my fucking slut for a best friend. I'm never going to be like you, never. That would be the most dumb thing I would ever do. This whole relationship is dumb." Harry sighed as he spoke his words way to fast, causing me to think a little before puzzling the words together in to full sentences. 

When it struck me what Harry had said all the feelings that had left me for a while came back, and they brought twice as many with them. This all was way to much for me, feeling every piece of my heart break, and then break again. I didn't understand that I loved him as much as I did when he hurt me like this, feeling his distance was very hard. 

So, doing the only thing I know how to, I ran away. I ran out of the bedroom, through the hallway, through the kitchen and out of the door without my shoes. I just ran.