The Mistakes We Make

Chapter 6

The appointment is tomorrow. By six I wouldn't be an expecting mother anymore. So Gina walked up and down the aisle of the grocery store with me since I would be cooped up in my house, in my bed for three days after. I grabbed whatever I was feeling and at the moment craving despite the puke fest that was in my bathroom this morning. I grabbed mint chocolate chip ice cream and strawberries among some things. Then we just stocked whatever else we might need. I would get pain medication after depending on how far along I end up being.

"What about this?" she asked holding up a box of popcorn.

"I'll be stuck in bed for three days go nuts. It's a movie and tv fest for a hole seventy-two hours. Maybe we can finally catch up to Supernatural." I said as I popped another peanut M&M in my mouth. I didn't eat those before.

"Yes!" she said in a loud whisper pumping her fist in the air.

We got several bags of food. We where walking out when I saw him. He was ringing up food items. I saw Lily and she was talking to him. I couldn't help but feel pain...everywhere it seemed to spread. Then she kissed his cheek and ran off with who I suspect is her mom. It felt it all over again the numbness. Then he turned."Hurry before-" Gina was cut off because she knew he saw me. I saw him. Gina pulled me along anyway right past him. We left through the doors before he finally caught up to me.

"Casey wait." Gina gave me that look wondering if I would be okay. I gave her a nod and then motioned her to go."Just let me explain." I tossed Gina my keys and turned after she got a few yards away."You look good. How've you been?"

"Well, as you can see, I've survived without you."Lie I'm pregnant and for over a month I've been trying to find a way to not have a breakdown because you shattered my heart. But that was to long.

"Look about-"

"You got over it got in another relationship it's fine." I started to walk away again but he grabbes my arm and turned me around not hard but enough to make me turn. I held my arms in front of me, I need something separating us. If I don't he can get in again. He can hurt me.

"Thats not it. Casey, I don't like Lily I never have."

"That's why you let her kiss you and have her hands all over you? Okay.."

"No Casey..She's pregnant." There it was. All the air left my lungs. Pain and numbness stayed."She told me last week. I'm only with her because I have to be." I just looked at him for a moment before tears built in my eyes. He would be a father but not from my baby. To Lily's child. "I love you. I'll always love you."

"I've got to go." I started to run. The tears built and ran like that morning all over again. My chest grew tighter. So tight I could probably die.

"Casey!"He yelled.  I didn't stop. I didn't stop till I reached the car.

It hurt so much to just see him. See that he was okay while I was trying to find a way to forget all those memories we had together. I sat wishing that we never met so I wouldn't have to feel what I feel now. But the pain in his eyes threw me off guard. I thought I'd see him eventually just not so soon.

I stood in the parking lot. I could hear the protesters from the car. Gina looped an arm around mine."Just ignore them." She told me. I kept my hoodie up and my head down. Gina guided me to the door. I tried ignoring all the hateful things they said to me. Making it through the door made no difference. I didn't feel different. I could still hear the people outside but their voices where muffed. I sat down onto a chair Gina still next to me.

I sat leg bouncing, fingers playing, and watching the clock tick away the seconds. Gina sat next to me flipping through a parenting magazine. If anything you could point out who was here for them same reason as me. We all looked alike. All four of us. Then there were the ones there for totally normal reason. Reasons I wish that I was here for. 

"CJ?" I looked to see a woman mid-twenties maybe thirty years old in pink scrubs. I stood and Gina followed me holding my hand. The nurse set us down in a room. I sat on the table as she told me the risk and told me sign papers. We forged my moms signature on one of the papers while we sat in the waiting room telling them my mom had to leave for work.

"Now, I do have to take an a ultrasound so we know how to proceed."

"Okay."I laid down putting one hand behind my head and just looking at the ceiling as she lifted my my shirt unbuttoned the top of my pants and put the warmed gell on my stomach. I closed my eyes.

"Do you have an idea of how far along you are?" The nurse asked.

"Um...no I...I don't know when my last period was." It was hard to say it. I sounded ridiculous not knowing how far along I was. I'm a woman...I'm supposed to keep track of these things. That just made my heart hurt more. I felt as the nurse put the thing on my lower abdomen. She moved it back and forth.

"Oh," She said a little shocked. "By the measurements, I'd put you at ten nearly eleven  weeks." So it was before all of happened. It was before school ended. It was when everything was okay and we when we where planing things to do in the summer. Nearly eleven weeks. "Okay." She handed me a towel so I could whipe off the gell."I will be right back with the doctor. Put this on then we'll be ready to start." The woman gave me a small reasuring smiled as she handed me a gown. After leaving the room I just looked at the gown in my hands.

"CJ?" Gina put her hand on my back. I wasn't thinking about all the reasons I should be getting this but all the reasons I shouldn't.

   Everything that Dylan told me. Everything I remember growing up. Made me wonder what it would look like. What the personally would be. Would it like math or science? What would I do  if I did get this. Dylan was right...it will change me. Change me to where if things change I'll never forgive myself. As a child, I always wanted to be the Mom House. My baby doll I carried around for months, even if it was the last thing my father gave me. I'm not my mother. I couldn't look at my child with anything but love. No matter who the father was.

"I can't." I put the gown down then walked out of there. I found my own way out.

"CJ?" Gina walked up to me as I reached the car. We still got a lot of hate as we walked out. I would slap them all if I could. It's non of their buisness what others do with their bodies."Are you sure?"

"I'm not." I knew I was crying. I knew that Gina would be okay with it and Dylan would be too. Be there for me for everything."I'm not sure and I'm not okay. But I can't do it. I can't stop thinking about it or my life with it. I can't stop thinking about what it might look like." My hands dropped to my side."I can't stop thinking about him." Gina attacked me in a hug. That didn't help it just made it worse. I cried and it felt like it wouldn't stop.

We fell to the ground sitting together in a hug. I couldn't stop.