Trouble ▸▸ Kellic

31.

For the next week I avoided Vic as if he was practically a plague. I couldn't tell which I was more upset about: the fact that Vic thought my love for him was petty, or the fact that he hadn't changed at all. Either way, I was beyond annoyed and frustrated continuously because no matter how hard I tried, the thought of him was all that could run through the back of my brain.

Justin kept me occupied. I began hanging around his dorm in the evenings and returning to Vic and I's to sleep sometime late in the night, when all the lights were off and Vic was already out in his own bed. In the mornings I woke up early, grabbing my clothes and belongings hastily and hitting the showers. Class was the only time I couldn't avoid Vic, but I definitely didn't need to sit next to him, so I didn't.

Maybe I was being childish, running away from my problems instead of facing them, but the thought of unrequited love was so saddening that I didn't dare think about it for long. It was easy to run around, so I did just that. Until (of course) Vic finally spoke up.

It was the first evening I hadn't spent at Justin's since the discussion. Justin had mumbled something about going to another friend's dorm for a secret, little party, so I was out of luck on a place to crash. The second I was back into my dorm, I removed my textbooks from my backpack and began studying, even though I was bored out my mind.

Vic entered the dorm about forty-five minutes later, looking tired as all get out. It was an obvious shock to him that I was present; I could tell from the faint glimmer I got of his eyes as the door slammed shut behind his body.

"Come to talk?" Vic asked warily, dropping his bag on the couch and looking over to me. I kept my eyes on my science textbook, clicking my tongue.

"Nope," I replied nonchalantly, hating myself for being overly petty. Vic sighed, obviously frustrated with my behavior. "Did you plan to?" I find myself asking thereafter.

"It would be nice," Vic murmurs, rolling his eyes. "I've wanted to all week, but you've been avoiding me and there's never been an opportune time to speak in private."

"Then talk," I reply, flipping a page in the textbook. The next thing I know, the book is shut by Vic and I'm eye to eye with him as he takes a seat in the chair adjacent to me.

"What I said, I mean," is what Vic begins with, "But, I was harsh. It was surprising; I had never suspected you to develop those kinds of feelings for me so early into our relationship..."

"Early?" I question incredulously. "We've known each other for over a year now, and we've been dating for quite a large portion of it. There was nothing 'early' about it," I explain, honest. Vic nods, but I can tell he begs to differ.

"Fine, whatever," he mutters under his breath, "It doesn't matter; what matters is that you know I like you a lot, a lot more than the majority of people, but I don't love anyone. It doesn't mean I don't want to be with you, trust me, I do, I just don't believe in a thing called love. Can we just put this behind us, it's stupid." My skin burns.

"My feelings are stupid?"

"That's not-"

"Bullshit," I interrupt, my tone raising. "I don't care if you believe in love or not, I do, and I'm telling you that I love you, can't you accept that? Even if you don't believe in it yourself? You're being selfish, dismissing my feelings. Forgetting about it because 'it's stupid' is the equivalent to saying that my opinions and emotions are completely irrelevant, and if that's how you really feel, then fuck you. You've been nothing but a fucking prick to me since we returned to campus and I'm fucking sick of you taking advantage of me, using me; kissing me and fucking me whilst giving me the false hope that maybe some day you'd love me back. I'm not asking you to say it back, I'm asking you to stop telling me my belief in love is useless and accept my emotions, and I'm asking you to quit being selfish; I'm not just your boyfriend, I'm a fucking human too," I burst, trying to contain myself, but once the first sentence slipped from my mouth, the rest fell out with ease. Vic seemed shocked, as was I. It was quiet for a long time, and I felt tears prickling my eyes even though I refused to cry in front of him.

"I'm sorry," Vic said softly after an inordinate amount of time had passed. "You're right, I've been unfair, and selfish. I'll try harder."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I question. "Your words hold no meaning anymore; you're empty, Vic, don't you see that? You've erased the idea of love from your heart and your mind, and without that, you have practically nothing. You wanna know how to try harder? Leave the other students alone, quit bullying people into doing your dirty work, make up with your parents for God's sake. Fix your mess, because your mess is messing with me, and I can't be with somebody like that," I explain, tone still loud, but not as loud as earlier.

"What do you mean? I've always been like this; this is me, and you fell in love with that."

"I fell in love with the Vic I met on break; the one who took me places, treated me and everybody else fairly, made me feel worth something. The Vic that lives here I despise and I've despised that side of you since the first day we met. I know I used to be like you, but after starting this relationship with you, and especially witnessing that side of you on break, I realized that vengeance towards my parents and other student's wasn't the answer. I had to accept what I had in front of me was all I could get right now. You need to accept that too, I just wish I would have been enough to make you realize that on your own." Silence. I couldn't read Vic's expression, he seemed distant and deep in thought.

"What I feel towards the people in my life goes farther than vengeance. I despise them; everyone. That Vic you saw on break; he was an illusion. I was with you, alone, I wanted to be the best boyfriend I could be, but I can't be that guy forever because this is me and that wasn't," Vic talks, tone hushed and ouch, I could almost feel my heart breaking.

"But it could be," I whisper in frustration before dismissing the conversation all together. "I can't shape you into a better you, that's something you have to do on your own, so you're right, let's forget about it," I add, standing up.

"You don't want to," Vic objects, standing up and grabbing my wrist hastily. I let out a sigh, frustrated. In fact, all I seemed to feel that night was frustration.

"Of course I don't, but for now, it's the best thing to do," I comment, stepping forward to face Vic, eyes locking. "Let's go back to the way things were before," I whispered, leaning in and pecking his lips softly. All emotions except lust: off. Dragging Vic to bed and undoing his shirt and belt was second hand nature, but Vic's kisses were still as rough, emotionless and empty as ever. That was depressing, but what we had as a whole was practically empty, anyway.