Trouble ▸▸ Kellic

32.

In a state somewhere between numb and number, I found myself stuck. Vic and I had, somewhat, come to terms with what we had admitted, but that unsettling feeling in my stomach never did dissipate entirely. I knew Vic wouldn't change, not initially, anyway. He needed a reason to change, and with me, there was none. So that's when I decided that maybe if there was no 'me' in the equation, that maybe, just maybe, Vic would realize how it made me feel when he returned the apartment late, knuckles bruised.

"I need to leave," I muttered one night, breathing heavily as Vic laid beside me, exhausted. His brown eyes shifted to my own, holding them with a confused gaze. He didn't even have to verbalize his confusion, because I knew Vic; knew him a lot better than most, and his eyes were all that I needed to understand what he thought. "We need to break up," I added thereafter, abrupt and blunt. His eyes softened, as if he knew that this was coming (And granted, he should have).

"Is there an explanation?" Vic asked quietly, obviously trying to suppress the guilt and just plain hurt in his voice, but I heard it. I heard it loudly, and it almost gave me a second thought, like maybe I was making the mistake, but I always knew that actions were far more powerful than words, and Vic would never do so; he was all words.

"I've given you plenty," I murmured, sitting up from the bed and grabbing my clothes. "'s just not possible to keep this going any longer," I added, buttoning my shirt up and looking to Vic who was still sprawled onto the bed, my bed, avoiding my harsh gaze.

"And I can't do anything?" Vic questioned soon after, finally sitting upright. I shook my head, heading for the living room. I craved isolation, or at least isolation from him.

"Not right now," I verbalized, letting the bedroom door shut  quietly behind my figure before leaving the dorm as a whole.

Vic avoided me like I had prior, but this time, I didn't mind. In fact, it was probably for the best. I couldn't comprehend everything that was happening; everything began and ended so abruptly that it made me feel a little unstable. I wanted to wait and see where our break-up led Vic.

Turns out, the path Vic followed was not the one I had expected him to at all. More time in the office, more bruises, more anger. If he looked emotionless prior, it was scary seeing him now. I felt responsible, like I hadn't considered Vic's "emotions" enough and was being selfish, even though I knew all I needed to concern myself with was, technically, just me.

I stayed away, making a routine around Vic's so we were never in the dorm at corresponding times. Sometimes I found myself wondering what he did and where he was disappearing to the first couple of weeks after our fallout. I wondered if he missed me; if he would ever return to me.

Initially, he didn't. It took some time before we spoke once again, and even though it had only been a few months of our "normal" cycle, it felt like years since I had last heard his voice. The first words he spoke to me were "I'm sorry", and the apology brought a faint smile to my lips, but I could tell the statement was ambiguous.

Vic was sorry for a lot of things: for how awful he made me feel, for using me, for ignoring my feelings, for taking his anger out on everyone excluding me, for not trying hard enough to convince me to stay, for continuing to bother innocent people even after the break-up and especially for hurting others to the point of no return; to the point where the academy had granted him a plane ticket and a phone call with his parents.

"I wish you would have realized that sooner," I responded. We sat in the silence of the dorm, lights dim lit. I had heard the rumors and stories of Vic's fight that cost him a home at the academy. He overstepped the boundaries too many times, and even he knew that much. "Because now it doesn't make a difference, but I accept your apology nonetheless," I added, trying to control the tears which begged the spill over the edges of my eyelids and stroll down my cheeks.

"I know, and thank you," Vic responded, finally looking at me. I looked back, eager to read his eyes and understand what the hell was happening.

What the hell was happening?

Was this actually happening?

Yes, it was definitely happening. Vic had definitely been suspended, and Vic's parents had definitely granted the school permission to transfer him to a correctional academy overseas, and Vic was definitely leaving Amber Academy in just a few days.

"When will you be back?" I asked out of mere curiosity, gazing at the boy whom I knew I was still in love with.

"Long after you're gone," Vic replied with a laugh, forcing it to be comforting, but it really wasn't. I could have guessed the same; I knew Mrs. Abram would prefer for me to return home after the end of the school year. "Will you miss me?"

"Of course," I whispered, throat tightening as the realization settled in. Never did I realize how real this was until Vic had asked me that question. "I never stopped loving you, you know?" I decided to ask thereafter, because even if Vic could never accept his feelings, he deserved to know mine.

"I know," Vic reciprocated with a smile, and that's all it took for me to stand from my chair and let Vic wrap his warm arms around me, barely hearing Vic murmur, "And, if I'm being totally honest, I could almost admit that I kinda love you too." I chuckled, knowing that most would find the statement hurtful, but I could seek out nothing but comfort in Vic's words. "I wish I could stay to find out if I really do love you."

"I wish you could too," I whispered into Vic's shoulder, letting him hold me tighter in the silence of our dorm. Because this, whatever this was, had hit its end as all things did, but it was still fucking hard to let go. 

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Alright, I've given up on an updating schedule because my chapters seem shitty unless I write them when I'm in the mood, so sorry for such a wait! This book is pretty much over; I'm thinking the next chapter might be the last so get ready because I'm not