Perfect Storms

chapter seven

"Cause I used to be a shell. Yeah, I let him rule my world."
Pearl ~Katy Perry

It had been a week since my break up with Adam had been publicized. After last night I could not tell if Tom considers us an item. After our late night conversation, I showed him to my guest room and went to bed. But I didn't sleep. I stayed up late contemplating it all. I wanted him to ask me out. But I was afraid. Afraid of what everyone would say. The media would bash me, my friends would be confused, and god I did not want to think what Adam would do. I'm sure many people would think of my arrangement as a play of bittersweet revenge. But honestly it was the opposite. Adam was the chaos to my thoughts and I was the poison to his heart. I never meant to hurt him but I did. Tom was simply a man who had my best interest at heart. Some would say it's a shame to admit it took a man for me to find myself again, but he encouraged me to be my best self. And it would be a debt I would always owe him.
This morning I had offered we walk down to the beach together since he seemed to like the ocean.
"But won't people see us?" He said concerned. "I no longer care," I shrugged, "As long as you are okay with it."
"I do not mind in the slightest." He smiled.
We began to walk down to the water. Thankfully it was only a flight of stairs away from my backyard. I scanned the flat ocean shore. No paparazzi. But I knew better, they would come. I would just have to be okay with it.
I we started to walk along the breaking waves I noticed him extend his hand to mine. I laced my fingers with him, it felt natural somehow, not new. Together we began to stroll down the ocean shoreline outside my beautiful Rhode Island home. There was no one around us, or at least not yet.

She is a pyramid. But with him she's just a grain of sand.

"You look lovely today darling." He smiled. Today I had dressed in a vintage sundress topped with a mustard yellow sweater.
"Thank you for saying that. I missed my old vintage look and thought I would wear it again." I paused before continuing, "Adam never liked it, he would say I needed to 'dress more my age.'"
I looked down at the sand, temporarily embarrassed for saying so much. But I felt his hand give mine a gentle squeeze of confirmation.
"Well that's silly. I think you should dress which ever way you like best."

She was a hurricane. But now she's just a gust of wind. She used to set the sails of a thousand ships. Was a force to be reckoned with.

I smiled. It was true I felt better in this. I had missed my short dresses and Oxford shoes. Adam would complain I "dressed like an old lady" and in my blind desperation to please him I changed everything about my look, even my hair. But in truth, it felt good to feel like me again.
"You don't think he was embarrassed by me do you?" I asked quietly instantly regretting asking such a personal question about my ex to my boyfriend. I should really stop this conversation I thought to myself.
"I was thinking more intimidated. You have a much bigger fame in the music industry than he ever will and I think that maybe he was just a bit intimidated by that." He answered honestly.

She could be a statue of liberty. She could be a Joan of Arc. But he's scared of the light that's inside of her. So he keeps her in the dark.

I pondered his thoughts. I did not want to believe he was right but I knew deep down that he had nailed it. That's why Adam stopped attending my award shows. It's why he did not want me going to his shows. I overshadowed him in a way he could not tolerate and I could not blame him for not wanting me anymore.
I had always been known to fall into the bad habit of completely changing myself for the man I was with but this time I did not want to do that.

She used to be a pearl. Yeah, she used to rule the world. Can't believe she's become a shell of herself. Because she used to be a pearl.