Perfect Storms

chapter thirty

"When we decided to move the furniture so we could dance, baby, like we stood a chance"
Out Of The Woods ~Taylor Swift

  It's something I've always loved about music. It can touch and resonate with a person. You can listen to a song and be transported to a time in your life that song reminds you of. A time where that song was being sung and the memories seem to attach themselves to the lyrics. It could be months, years and you could listen to that one song and feel every emotion you once had tied to that one song in that place in time. They are like time capsules, memory keepers in a sense.
   I use to believe so deeply in this theory. But I think since my break up with Adam I have added to this explanation. See I think songs like any record can be overwritten. Maybe you had a song that reminded you of a person you now want to forgot. But whose to say you should stop listening to your favorite song? I had discarded a lot of my music lately. My most previous stuff reminds me of him. I had stopped listening to a lot of love songs but I missed them now.
Also, coming from a song writers perspective, you can alter a songs meaning as it relates to different parts of your life. For instance my career is based off songs I wrote lovers whom I do not even know anymore. But that does not make my songs any less accurate. They may have be written about a certain someone I knew years ago, but they can also relate to how I feel now. I have always prided myself in the universal style of my writing. Though they came from personal experience I would write them in a way that was relatable to anyone who heard them. I always credited my success to that factor.
Today was my last day here. After a few days of relaxation and meeting all Toms friends I was ready to be home. Tomorrow Tom and I would be flying back to LA where he would then continue into San Diego for the International Comic Convention. Of course he begged me to go with him but I was hesitant. As simply a musician I would be a fish out of water at an event like that.
I knew I would already miss the routine we had created for ourselves here on the Gold Coast. I did not notice Tom leave this morning but I woke up when I heard the sound of the shower. It was bliss really. A world in which no one had eyes to but ourselves. He would do his morning run then come back to bed with me for what was always too short of a time. And then he would leave for the whole day and I would busy myself. Sometimes he would leave me a note to wake up to. He was extremely romantic; I did not deserve him.
"Morning," I heard him whisper once he knew I was awake. I sleepily rolled over to face him who had just climbed back into bed. I happily climbed into his embrace. He smelt of shampoo and cologne but he was cold compared to the warmth of the blankets.
                                *****
Today I spent packing our things. I knew Tom would be back shortly as he still had a lot to do on set but I probably would not return with him. The fear of the reality of our relationship was starting to catch up with me. I was well aware we were taking things extremely fast -how could I not anybody who was anybody was screaming it in my ear- and I afraid this flame would soon did out due to its over use. This week had probably been one of the worst weeks of my life what with all the Kim, Kanye and Calvin drama. I knew as much as I tried not to let it effect me it always did. I would always internally bury all my stored away feelings about the situation until I ran out of room and then they would come bursting out. I guess you could say that's how I was feeling today.
I sat myself down on the couch feeling defeated. I had created such a messy reality for myself at the moment. A relationship that felt too good, too fast to be real, a crazy ex boyfriend who wouldn't leave me alone and a crazy man petty and bitter over our past who wanted to destroy my career. I swear I could write a movie for myself.  I gave a heavy sigh as I fumbled with the ring on my finger. It was definitely beautiful and like he had promised, reminded me of our trip to Rome every time I looked at it. I wish all this chaos would just somehow disappear. I wish my life was not constantly scrutinized by the press.
I barely noticed when he walked into the door around 8 o'clock.
"What is wrong love?"
There was concern in his voice. I know he was trying, trying so hard to be what I needed. But the truth was even I do not know what I need anymore.
I was in a strange mood tonight. One that I was aware of and disliked but could not shake. My heart felt cold, my mind tired.
"Taylor."
My gaze glassed over at his words. I had built up so many walls. I had become extremely well at hiding myself from others. Him on the other hand, his face always displayed his most intimate emotions. It was brave really, for a man to be so vulnerable when it came to his heart. I always believed it to be a sign of weakness to allow ones self to expose how they truly felt, but with him, with him I knew it was his strength.
"Please." His voice was shaky. I swear his eyes watered over for if just a moment.
"I want to love you."
There was hurt in those glistening blue eyes. Maybe he was fighting back tears. Maybe he was just extremely determined.
"You know I wish I could trust you." The words came out heavier than I thought. There was definite pain to my voice, I guess it mirrored the pain in his eyes.
He shook his head as if in defeat. For a brief moment a pain shot through my heart. Was this it? Had I stretched him to the point of breaking?
"They say time can heal most anything. I get it, you need time. But I'm not going to stop trying."
He walked over slowly as if half expecting me to pull away. I allowed myself to stay though. I was still in temporary shock by his response.
He wrapped his long arm around my back and pulled me in gently so that I could rest my head on him. His kissed my forehead before adding "To be everything you need."
Together we baked a homemade dinner. His presence comforted me in a way. He was so patient, so gentle, I knew I did not deserve him. He has put on some soft music as background for our cooking session.  I loved his ease and poise. He was dressed in his favorite shade of blue with his glasses on. I could get lost in the sight of him.
He soon noticed I had stopped to watch him and he turned to face me with that childish grin of his face. I had put this beautiful boy through hell and yet he was here always trying to pick up my broken pieces. I would never understand it.
I had once said in some interview years ago how you can be with a guy for a year and still never feel like you actually knew him but then meet someone new and in a matter of weeks feel like you two understand each other at such a greater level. I had always known that kind of love existed but I had never really lived it out myself, that is until now. Me and Adam had been together for fifteen months but I knew deep down nothing was ever going anywhere. He never talked about having kids with me and although we were both of the same profession I never really felt he truly understood my feelings. Tom on the other hand, I had known for little over a month and he was already so precious to me. He understood me and cared about me in a totally different way than Adam had. I'm not belittling Adams affection for me, sure it was there, but Tom... there was something so unexplainable and without reason but it felt so right.
Our food was being cooked in the oven and we had a few minutes to spare. His beautiful blue, sometimes green, eyes captivated me in a way that only poems could describe.
"Let's dance," he spoke his words soft as if made from star dust.
I giggled in response and allowed him to pull me into his chest as he placed a hand on my hip and used the other to hold mine. He gracefully swayed me around my kitchen and we twirled and laughed to the music. The moment was so bittersweet. It was of those things can could not be captured in a photo or even a memory. It was meant to be embraced and felt in the moment.
As the song came to an end and he let go of my hand I quickly pulled him into a hug. He was good at hugs, I enjoyed his embrace. I breathed in the scent of his sweet cologne and my hands gracefully brushed his toned arms and back. In that moment I was reminded of a lyric I wrote years ago we moved the furniture so we could dance, baby, like we stood a chance. Did we stand a chance? I wrote that song about a relationship in which everyone one was constantly judging our every move. Our foundation was not secure and I spent most of the relationship believing it was some of type of trial run with a set in expiration date.  Is that what Tom and I were? Surely he was not the one right? I could not help but feel we were running on some time of timer that at any moment would run out of time. Are we out of the woods yet? Everyone was watching us and every day there seemed to be some headline about me begging to tear us apart. I felt uneasy, when would we be in the clear?

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Hey guys so I start school tomorrow so I probably won't be able to update as often as I would like but please hang on with me! If you vote and leave comments it will help haha