Perfect Storms

chapter twenty-nine

"Storm's coming, and you've been running from the dark clouds.
But no one can catch you now"
The Outlaw Josey Whales ~Zella Day

"Listen Tree, I'm done with this shit. I'm tired of being upset or sad or confused. I'm just going to say something about it."
"Taylor I wouldn't..."
"Why because it will only make things worse? They secretly recorded my phone call! She is tweeting about me and harassed me and lied about my side of the story. I don't see how I'm the snake in this situation?"
"Taylor you need to calm down."
"I could sue her! What she did was illegal! I should sue her..."
"Taylor you have to be subtle we agreed to keep quiet for a bit that's why you've been restricted from going out in public.."
"No what I need to do is set things straight. I'm done playing innocent and ignorant. I can't ignore this."
I hear a long sigh on the other line. At this point I was livid. I was so done playing the role of ignorant and okay. I was far from okay.
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"I'm going to post a statement. And then together we are going to work on taking down that song."
I spent a whole hour drafting that statement. An adrenaline rush had surged through my fingertips as I angrily typed my message. I read it over and over again until each sentence was perfectly crafted. But after I finished I stepped back. I needed to cool my temper first. I know what I wrote could not be posted. I was so angry but I knew better than to act on my anger.
So I decided to call him. I knew he was the only one at this point who could calm my nerves. The only person I wanted to talk to anyways.
"Taylor love what's wrong are you okay?"
He knew it must be serious since I promised not to bother him while he was at work. He said he could not be distracted. I respected that. But today, today was different.
I told him what happened and how Kanye had played me. I told him about the hurt and the sheer anger. He listened the whole time. Never once interrupting the conversation or telling me he had to go.
Once I finally finished he replied with a wisdom that if I were not so caught up in the drama I might have been baffled by. He told me the truth. The blatant truth about my mistakes as well as theirs. He told me how above all I should keep my composure as anything posted in the Internet could never be fully erased. He reminded me of who I was and how above all I should maintain my persona as one who was respectful, in control, but wanting to address the abuse I had been given.
There was a final pause in our conversation. I was not really mad anymore. Instead I wanted to cry. With reluctance I had to say goodbye to him. He could not ignore his calls on set any longer.
I took a deep breath. Time to jump into the fire. I deleted a few lines and reread the whole thing over for the twentieth time. I slowly exhaled. I pushed share. There. It's done. I closed my phone immediately after. I did not want to see the world's reaction, not yet.
I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor for what could have been hours. Calvin. Katy. Kanye. Kim. The list of people I wished to forget seemed to come pouring in at a steady rate now. It seemed as if each problem made way for another to resurface. And why must it all be so damn public? I wish my disagreers could settle their issues with me formally, in person. I felt like my public life had taken twenty too many steps back. And to think I was just getting comfortable in the public eye again? I gave a heavy sigh. I could feel the literal weight of all my problems on my shoulders. Just like that I was back to being everyone's favorite topic of hatred.  I felt an unexplainable sense of defeat loom over me. Everything I had worked so hard to erase. All that negative press, and bad blood between others in my industry. All of it for what? Being thrown back into the bottomless pit? I guess I would just forever be the person people's pointed fingers go to. I was destined to be everyone's favorite celebrity to hate. To expose. To disrespect. To hurt.
The tears came steadily now as I no longer saw a need to fight them back anymore. The sting of my eyes, the clench in my throat, I allowed it all to come.
Every time I felt something good something equally as painful always seemed to follow. I really wanted to forget and just enjoy myself and this glorious life I had with this amazing man at my side and the beauty of the sea all around me.
The sobs racked my body as I instinctively held my arms close to my chest. Everything seemed to bother me right now. The hate and the stupid people who believed it, the fans who felt the need to weigh in on the drama which only hyped up the media, and of course all the people involved. I felt so hurt, so lost. I had been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, personally victimized. I felt so alone and insignificant.
I had not realized how much time had passed until I heard the door of the place click open. I probably should get up and compose myself but the energy needed seemed too great.
I stayed curled up, my arms laced around my legs and my head in my knees, wishing to be invisible to the world. He didn't say anything. He knew better than to ask how I was doing. I was so far from fine. Instead he slowly eased to the floor next to me and pulled me into his long arms. I appreciated his ability to rush to my aid. Despite the fact he was still dressed in a button up and slacks he manages to get on the kitchen floor to hug me. At his tender touch I felt myself come undone again. The tears began to stream violently down my cheeks. He had seen me cry before but not like this. I was so vulnerable in this moment. There was nothing I could do to keep my composure. Would I have ever wanted him to see me this way? No. But there was nothing I could do. I was powerless to my emotions. Thankfully he just contently held me in his arms. The tears reminding him of our short time in each other's lives; a whole lifetime of unknown memories, heartbreak and harsh realities.

//
Okay but what played out Sunday night made me really upset. I love Taylor more than anything and to think for any reason she might be hurting right now makes me extremely sad. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry it's a bit of a downer.