Perfect Storms

chapter fourteen

"You won't find faith or hope down a telescope. You won't find heart and soul
in the stars. You can break everything
down to chemicals. But you can't
explain a love like ours"
Science and Faith ~The Script

  After our dinner late evening conversations I decided to retire early to bed. I had a headache and I wanted to give them some time alone to catch up. I showed to a guest bedroom across the hall from his. I grateful. Ever since that night I could not get past the idea of daring to make that next move with him. I told him I did not want to go that far and he respected that. I had known him now for two months but we had only been officially dating for two weeks. I mean it's not like I had not already happened. But I refused to think of it. Instead I was fine in my separate bed hugging a pillow.
Some nights were lonelier than others. There would be nights when my stomach was still filled with the butterflies his smiles gave me and I would drift happily into a quiet sleep. And there would be nights when I desperately missed the company I use to have in bed. I no longer missed Adam, but sometimes I would miss they way it felt to be held, to feel the company of someone else, to hear their beating heart when you lied on their chest or feel their strong arms around you.
In the past few weeks I had learned what it truly meant to let go. To no longer care what anyone thought and live your life in a way that embraced every emotion. But I was still struggling to let go entirely. It would seem as if each day I was reminded of something else. Something else I had to battle to let go of and know that what happened happened and there was nothing I could do. The more I thought about it the more I realized how immature I was about the whole situation. Angry at Adam enough to get with someone else, to cheat on him. To allow him to break up with me, to feel guilty when he did. And then to date the man who I got with once I felt lonely and sad over the break up. The whole thing was very immature.
My deepest regret however was the way we ended. I did not fight for our love. During it all I told myself the reason I let him leave so easily was because I was consumed by my guilt and I understood what I had done was unforgivable and that I did blame him for leaving. Now I think maybe I had let him go not because I was silenced but guilt, no I was not the good guy in this situation, I knew I no longer had feelings for him and seeing him leave did not feel like a complete end for me.
I pulled out my laptop and started to scroll through tumblr to distract myself from my thoughts. Of course the feed was flooded with photos of me and him. It disturbed me how many photos there actually were. And the worst part was had I not come, this place would never have been disturbed by the photographers presence. I knew they were only doing their job but a part of me felt flying across the ocean just to get pictures of me walking down the streets of a small town doing mostly nothing seemed a bit excessive.
  Two hours later I heard a small tap on the door. I saw him poke his head through the door, and once he saw I was awake he let himself in.
"I thought you were asleep."
"Then why did you come in?"
"I saw the light on."
He sat himself on the edge of the bed. I felt myself get a little defensive. I wondered what prompted him to come in.
"Can't sleep love?" He asked motioning towards my laptop.
I slowly closed it and brought myself to a normal sitting position on the bed.
"No, I haven't been able to sleep for a while now."
"I think you think too much."
He moved closer to me. I searched his eyes desperately trying to find out why he was here what he wanted. His eyes were so strange. One moment they could tell you everything you wanted to hear, the next they were a mystery that could not read through at all.
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing." I quickly dismissed it. I think he knew but I did not want to open the conversation for discussion.
"You know," he started, "you can spend hours, days, even months over-analyzing a situation; to put the pieces together, justifying what could have, would have happened. Or, you can leave the pieces on the floor and move on."
His hand found mine and I felt him lace his fingers with mine on the bed.
"You only need to worry about yourself Taylor."
I allowed myself to lean heavily on him. I felt his arms embrace me. I leaned up to kiss his lips softly. His arms felt like home.
"I miss having someone with me at night. To feel there arms. To just sleep in the most simplest form of the phrase." I mumbled on. I felt him kiss my forehead gently.
"Get some rest love."
               *****
The next morning I woke early to the smell of breakfast being made in the kitchen. Tom left shortly after I dozed off into sleep. I wish he had stayed but I knew he was just trying to be respectful of my space. I was greeted by warm welcomes when I woke.
We decided to go down to the beach after breakfast. We strolled casuarina on the shore. It was too cold to go in water. We were bundled in coats and sweaters anyways. I enjoyed our walk. His mother chatted the whole while. She liked to talk. But I did not mind. She shared sweet memories from Tom's childhood as any proud mother would. Tom held my hand. He would let go. It was a comfort really. Like some kind of constant reminder that he was here for me and was going to make this mess of a relationship work.

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Ahhhh we are already getting hiddleswift 4th of July pics I can't evennnn