[eleven] i used to be better

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멀쩡해 보이지만
i might look like i'm fine,
이거 버티는 거야.
but this is me holding it all in.

the miraculous thing was... for jungkook, things started looking up. his parents had been too tired to torment him for weeks, jake was only throwing him hateful glares instead of powerful fists, and the project he and alice had worked on together had been a total success; the pair had earned a respectable ninety-nine, since mr. harvey was one of those pesky teachers that refused to award anyone with a one hundred because 'no piece of writing is perfect'.

but even though it was stupid, jungkook was more than contented with it, because he hadn't gotten such a good grade on a project in years, and he got to spend every day after school with alice.

he was stress-free for once, but, ironically, that's the thing that put him on edge. you see, jungkook had had enough experience with sadness to know that it always came back to bite you in the ass eventually. sorrow was, after all, a chronic disease of the mind.

and it seemed that this was especially true, for when he looked at her, as he always did, he saw it lingering in the blue irises, that pestilence called sorrow.

in english, her favorite class, she found no joys in the wonderfully monotonous and wonderful literature. in the library, surrounded with more than enough knowledge to fill herself with, more books than she'd ever be able to read, she still had that look, that look of emptiness that shrouded her mind's true turmoils.

to say that it worried the poor boy would be the understatement of the century.

he'd try to speak to her, softly, sweetly, just as she had when they'd met, but to no avail; she'd only muster out labored breathes carrying a few words. she'd smile at him, only him, but it wasn't like before. it didn't make her eyes twinkle like clear, pure diamonds, or make the skin around her eyes scrunch up, or her teeth gleam white; they remained hidden. she remained hidden. this pained him to no end, as she was all the beauty in the world to him, and beauty should never be hidden. especially not from those who recognize, appreciate and genuinely admire it.

when he'd ask her what it was, it was always that simple lie.

"i'm fine."

a simple lie that was actually the biggest, most fatal of them all. this much he knew better than anyone. but what could he do if she wouldn't tell him what was the matter? he would never consciously force her to entrust him with anything, no matter how much it hurt him that she didn't.

when the bell rang that day and jungkook began to embark towards the front entrance, he began doubting again. he'd tried to push the worries aside over the past few weeks, telling himself not to fret, that it was stupid and he was just crying over spilled milk, but the evidence that he'd synthesized in his own mind had become all too real to him, gaining a mind of its own and beginning to decompose the small amount of confidence he'd built up over the course of months.

he began entertaining the thought that he must've done something wrong. he must've been too forward, pushed her into telling him those things about her parents when she wasn't ready. or maybe being his shield from the world had just become too burdensome for the girl who seemed to be struggling to keep her own world from caving in.

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