wonderland 「 jungkook 」

[seventeen] then where will you go?

너무나 커져버린
the lie that's gotten too big
거짓이 날 삼키려 해.
is trying to swallow me up.

jungkook saw the car. the old, bent-out-of-shape cadillac waiting in the parking lot of his apartment building. he saw it perfectly fine in the luminescence illuminating from the lights; if he squinted, he could even see the silhouette of the girl sitting in the driver's seat. she was there. she'd been there. she was waiting on him in her grandma's car that she didn't even know was still running until she offered to drive jungkook to school from now on. but he couldn't bring himself to take the steps forward, into the light that would glow on his alabaster skin, making the bruises all the more prominent.

he was just... looking. thinking. overthinking. analyzing. debating with himself.

jungkook sighed, but it came out as only a shaky, broken breath accumulating vapor in the frigid air. as if the sound of his own pathetic mess saddened him even further, which was highly likely, he broke down at it. chest shaking, he cried in the darkness, tears falling on the concrete below.

he heard what sounded like the sound of a car door shutting in the distance, but he dismissed it immediately as a figment of his imagination. he just shivered in the moonlight, his t-shirt doing nothing to protect him from the coldness that had been making its way inside his body for quite some time. his aching joints, his fragile bones, his weary flesh... they were finally giving in. and he couldn't hold himself up anymore. and he fell to his knees.

and then the sound of footsteps called itself to his attention, but he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. he couldn't find the will to.

he couldn't do this anymore. he couldn't keep living like this.

in fact...

he didn't want to live at all.

he honestly never wished to die as much as he did in this moment. after years of nothing but turmoil, terror, anguish... he just wanted relief. he couldn't do it anymore. he couldn't. he couldn't. he just-

"n-naneun hal s-su eobsda," (i-i can't do i-it.) he choked out, gasping as his eyes flickered side to side nervously, yet not seeing anything in front of him. he wasn't in reality in that moment. he was just searching for an escape. "d-deo isang. deo i-isang," (n-not anymore. not a-anymore.) he gasped for air that wouldn't satisfy his spasming lungs. "hal su eobsda."

he repeated these words without them meaning a thing to him; they were just a mindless mantra he sputtered out frantically as he sat on his knees quivering, chest heaving up and down rapidly in labored breaths.

suddenly, a pair of thin arms encased in a thick sweater wrapped around him. a woman's warm embrace. she spoke to him in a worried tone in a language that sounded familiar, yet he couldn't understand. pulling him into her chest, kissing his head, growing more concerned by the moment. he felt the presence, but it was unknown to him. he didn't recognize anything; he didn't even remember where he was, or even how to breathe. he was lost in himself and the pure panic he was feeling. and the scariest part was that he wasn't sure if this was the real him or not.

"d-dowajuseyo. j-jebal. jebal dowajuseyo," (h-help me. p-please. please help me.) he pleaded to the presence that was his only comfort, begging her, even, as he cowered into her chest. "j-joneun geugeoteul h-hal su eobseoyo," (i-i can't d-do it.) he gasped, over and over.