wonderland 「 jungkook 」

[twenty-three] nothing will ever change

날 쉽게 이해한다고 하지마.
don't tell me that you can understand me so easily.  

jungkook got up a bit later than usual; he'd been sleeping in since school had ended for the year. he was relieved to be done with it for a while, but also scared to be closer and closer to college. that was, if he even decided to go. he couldn't ever really remember having a dream, a set goal in life. for years now, his top priority had been simply to survive. ironically, now that he'd earned the luxury of thinking for his own pleasure and aspirations, he'd forgotten how to do so.

with a sigh, he got up and wandered off into the house. seeing as alice wasn't in bed when he'd awoken, he planned to seek her out and see what she was up to. he grabbed his pack of cigarettes he'd gotten a stranger to purchase for him at the nearest gas station and ventured out into the hall, checking lucile's old room and bathroom but finding no presence. he went downstairs, but she was nowhere to be seen in the kitchen, dining or living room. with only a couple more places he could check, he went out onto the back patio.

he found her in one of the yard chairs, listening to the birds' songs and gazing upon the picturesque afternoon landscape with her back facing him. her silver hair was knotted, looking as though she hadn't brushed it since she woke up. he pulled up a chair beside her, and she didn't stir, didn't even have to look at him to know it was him. or maybe she was too lost in thought to even notice him; her expression was troublesomely thoughtful.

"good morning," he said, deciding to break the silence for her, as it'd become quite the chore for her to utter the simplest of expressions. "or, well... good afternoon is more like it." he laughed slightly, but her expression, lines with wrinkles of worry, was made of stone that would not, could not, crack.

he sighed at how distant she was being, but willed himself not to think of it, to cram it back into the corner of his mind, as he opened his pack and placed a cigarette between his chapped lips, lighting it with his hands cupping the flame as a gust of wind blew past. he breathed in the first toxic breath and observed the fluffy clouds and bright sky that didn't quite suite the mood. after a moment, he offered her one, holding it out to her like a peace offering.

she turned ever so slightly, eyeing the roll of tobacco with hungry eyes that contrasted her adamant shake of head. jungkook eyed her for a moment, trying to figure her out. it seemed that this was a clue among many of what was going on in that mysterious head of hers, but open books are always oblivious. and jungkook was the openest of books.

he retracted his hand after that, and didn't dare say anything more. that was, until he'd almost smoked the entirety of his own to find that it'd only given him more anxiety, an odd disparity in its usual affect.

"alice, come on," he finally cracked,unable to hold back any longer. she jumped at the emphatic tone that was so unlike him "something's gotta give, okay? sooner or later, you're going to have to tell me what's wrong. what's going on with you?"

her voice was rasped from lack of usage. "nothing's going on with-"

"bullshit, alice," he swore, causing her to jump again before her face twisted in anger. his wasn't much different. "i'm fed up."

she laughed sardonically, her usual gentle demeanor all but forgotten. "oh, you're fed up?"

"yeah! frankly, i am fed up. fed up with you hiding things from me, fed up with you being distant with me, fed up with you pushing me away!" his voice was angered, but that did little to mask the tears welling up in his eyes. "don't you know how much i fucking love you? how much you mean to me? why won't you let me be here for you? why won't you let me?"