Trans Man Pros and Cons

Part Fourteen: Coming Out

Pro:
You can be yourself. You can express yourself without fear of someone suspecting. You don't have to worry about being outed.

Con:
Your family is likely to have at least one person who disapproves. You will be in danger when you go out and meet anyone who is violently against who you are. You will have trouble forming relationships and friendships because others may not accept you. You will lose friends and partners because of them not being able to accept you. You are still legally able to be fired for being transgender. People will refuse to call you by the correct name and pronouns, simply because they don't want to. Your friends who stay with you will have a hard time switching. People will call you a lesbian who is ashamed so you believe you're a guy to fix it (my ex who was a stalker type literally said that to me). Many people will go out of their way to try and revert you back to the feminine identifying and probably really depressed you. No matter how often you explain it to some people they may still call you a girl and she.
A lot of people will treat you like a specimen when they learn you're transgender rather than treating you like any other person.
You see what I'm saying though, right? You will have to overcome a lot of things and be a strong person to make it.
This is a bit personal but since it isn't that likely that I will meet any of you in real life and you don't know much about me anyways, I will tell it.
So in 10th grade, towards the end of January I had a mental breakdown and ended up in the mental hospital for about a week. I had no idea what was wrong with me that kept on triggering my depression and making me try my hardest to overdose or use other means to kill myself because in a way very different from those tumblr girls who made being suicidal seem like something sweet, it was something that was tearing me apart inside.
I'm sure most people know the whole thing about black people not killing themselves because it's a 'white people thing'. And about black people not having depression because it's only something 'white girls get when the break up with their boyfriend.' Yeah, I know, it sounds really racist and is highly damaging to most people of color. Also the the only LGBT I knew of was lesbian people, gay people, and bisexual people, I didn't even think it was an option because of how crazy my mom went when she first learned my sister was a lesbian.
But back to what happened, I was so afraid to talk to my parents about how I felt because my stepdad thinks that depression is just an excuse to be lazy because he has never dealt with it on a personal level and my mom would always think it had something to do with her when I told her I felt bad so I stopped telling her in order to not worry her, and the only friends I had were just as depressed and suicidal as I was. For me, it wasn't the whole 'oh death is so beautiful and I want to be pitied by someone' type of thing, I honestly hate receiving pity and try to be as self sufficient as possible, but it was more of a 'well I feel so much pain now, maybe if I die there will be something out there better than the life I'm living.'
It was a really selfish thought to be honest. I do a lot of things without thinking about who it can hurt until after it is done, so then I was thinking about my family and my mom afterwards. The next day at school I was high as a kite because this was around my 6th or 7th time trying it and my body probably had built up a resistance, so I was really upset about that and then I tried to do some other things which I will not mention in this because they are highly triggering and after they didn't work a counselor called me because again I was high as hell and not hiding it too well, so then I broke down completely and had to go to bayside. When I was there they told my mom formally that I have depression and ADHD. I was still such a reck that I wouldn't speak to anyone and I probably just cried the first two days because I'm a little bitch. So once I came back home from there after I was significantly better and on meds, I told my mom about a month later that the medicine doesn't make me feel happy, I just feel numb still but she told me it had to work.
Fast forward now to about June, I was doing okay, I had a wonderful girlfriend and I was just thinking I was a stud maybe but then I was on buzzfeed looking at this transgender article that my transgender lady friend had shared. I literally felt so deep a connection to what that guy shared of his feelings that I was pretty excited for him but then at the same time pretty jealous. Then I started researching because my ass was like.... no harm in a little research. And then I started talking to my trans friend about how I felt and she said she thinks that I might be trans as well, so I did even more research and then literally everything started piecing together for me. I started getting dysphoria though even more now that I knew what it was I wanted but that I couldn't get it unless it was in an illegal way (which by the way is really really bad for you to do.) so in one of my fits I broke it off with my girlfriend and I started to isolate even more than before and to feel miserable. About a month later I told my mom and she tried to reason me out of it but I'm stubborn like my birth father so I stuck by my feelings.
Now, fast forward about a year later, to now, and I've kicked the suicidal, self doubting me to the fucking curb, and I've never felt more okay. My family has been coming around more, I have a stable friendship, I haven't self harmed since April, I haven't gotten bad enough to the point where I feel like I really need to visit bayside to keep myself from engaging in suicidal behavior, and most importantly I have raised my self esteem from a -8 to a 10/10. I still jokingly say things like I hate myself or brb gonna go drink bleach but honestly those are just me things to say because I'm such a sarcastic person. I stand up for myself rather than being a pushover and I see myself as a strong young man now.

So to all of you who read the negatives, it's really really fucking cliche to say but it will get better, but you have to work towards getting it better, you have to want it with all of your being or it might not happen.
Like is pretty much a 'you can't help who doesn't wanna be helped' situation. So learn to want to love yourself and priorities yourself in spite of all the negative things because you can't have a rainbow without rain.

Love you all and bye!
-Ty