I've Never Cried

Chapter Sixty - "Screaming."

"I've Never Cried"

Chapter Sixty

'Screaming.' 

Nick's POV

The hospital floor was cold beneath me as I lied beside her bed for the fourth day in a row. The never-ending humming of the ventilator filling her with oxygen, overtime became a repetitive loop that drove me toward the brink of insanity. The beeping from her heart monitor became a ringing in my ears, while all at once deafening me in an irreversible cognitive dissonance.

I lied there, on the cold floor, waiting on something that I was unsure would ever happen. Of course I was waiting on her to wake up, but after that, what was left? Was I waiting on her to see me and have a change of heart? Was I waiting on her to think of my deliberate resistance to leave her side as some sort of reason that she should be with me again? Was I waiting on her to realize that she had always loved me, and that my faithfulness to her, despite the pain she caused me, was enough to prove it? Was I waiting for her to die?

I was suffocating.

     I was hyperventilating.

I was falling.

     I was flying.

I couldn't stand her.

     I was in love with her.

Finally, I stood, leaned over, and looked at her. Lying there. Motionless.

"Why would you do this?" I asked aloud, my tears falling onto her face. "I wish you could've seen how much I needed you -- how much I still need you, Selena. You can't leave me. I don't care if you don't love me anymore, I can't be without you." I was choking with each word, drowning in my own tears. I reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly between the both of mine, just wishing she would squeeze mine back. "Please just . . . just come back to me."

Right as I said it, I was immediately unsure of whether or not I meant it in the most sincere fashion. I wanted for Selena to live through this self-inflicted wound. But even more than that, I wanted her heart to come back to me as well.

"Nick," I heard a small voice say, and my eyes immediately fell to Selena, who I'd quickly realized had not been the one that had spoken.

"I didn't hear you come in," I whispered, my heart sinking even more into sorrow. I turned around then, slowly, and saw Demi standing just a step away, her face flushed with sadness. She had her arms crossed over her chest; she looked almost as if she were hugging herself.

There was a long silence that followed- probably a full five minutes of Demi and I just looking at the pain in each other's faces. 

When I finally decided to speak again, every word shattered into millions of pieces, flushed out by the grief I'd been feeling since the day Selena had first broken my heart.

"I don't want to live without her, Demi, I- I'm sorry you heard all of that but I can't do this, I- I just, I'm  --," I fell to my knees, finally succumbing to the wounds. Demi rushed toward me and met me on the floor, her arms suddenly wrapped around me to keep me from completely falling out.

And I screamed.

Right there, in her arms, I screamed.

Too weak to move, too hurt to breath, too paralyzed to even hold myself up. Too lost to do anything except just scream.

-----

"You really should eat something," Demi muttered, nodding her head at the plate of untouched food she'd placed before me. In the hours following my breakdown, Demi had convinced me to finally return to my home, and was now determined to get me to eat. She sat directly across from me at the kitchen table; my brother rinsing dishes in the sink.

"I'm not hungry," I replied.

"Nick, you haven't eaten in days." Demi placed her palm over my knuckles. "You have to take care of yourself, too."

I ignored her, my mind on Selena.

"When you found her, what was she like?"

Joe turned off the water falling from the sink's faucet, his eyes narrowing at me.

"That's not something any of us should revisit." He commanded.

"But I need to know."

"Well too damn bad, Nick!" He shouted, slamming his hand onto the counter, rattling every dish on its surface. "I never gave a FUCK about what you THINK you need!"

"Whoa, Joe!" Demi shouted and stood, facing my brother. It was odd having someone there to intervene, because Joe and I had always argued like this. 

"No, no-," Joe said, coming around the island and approaching the table. He stood directly beside Demi, his eyes on me with a blistering scorch. "Nick, you owe Selena absolutely nothing."

"It's not about owing her anything!" I screamed back, but Joe wasn't having any of it.

"YES it is, and you know it!" He placed his hands onto the kitchen table and bent down, leaning closely to my face with his infuriated stare. "You need to stop pretending like you didn't have a life before Selena, and remember the man that you ARE." He screamed the word 'remember' through his clenched teeth, and at the sound of it, my blood boiled.

I stood then, quickly, my anger rising up into my throat and spilling from my mouth.

"I shouldn't have slept with her that night!" I screamed, forcefully shoving the plate of food before me off of the table and sending it shattering onto the floor. "I shouldn't have gone over there a-and used her! But I did, I FUCKING DID, Joe. And you're telling me that I'm not allowed to feel sorry for myself? I'm not allowed to feel guilty for making her want to die?"

There was a brief pause that filled the air with nothing but unsettling tension. Then, Joe looked over at Demi, who had her eyes darting back and forth between my brother and I, as if she were unsure of what to do or say. 

"Dem," he said, his voice indicating an intense frustration, "I'm not sure you should stay for this."

Immediately I balled up my fists, because I already knew. 

Joe and I had always been about harsh, tough love. So when we were going to duke it out, we both had our cues, and asking a woman to leave the room was always Joe's.

"Where the fuck is your compassion?!" I yelled at him, and his head snapped toward me. I glanced down at his hands, which were balled into fists as well.

"Compassion?" He yelled back, before immediately charging at me and throwing me to the wall. "Where's your fucking common sense?!"

"Joe, stop!" Demi screamed, but he was already mid swing. Once connecting with my shoulder, he and I were going at it. 

JJDL

*****I'll continue this soon, I keep putting off posting this chapter because I want to finish it. But, I don't wanna keep you guys waiting much longer, so here it is.*****