Maybe It Wasn't An Accident

Nothing makes me happy

9/6/16

So today was my first day of school.
It was fine.

But when I was asked to write one word that makes me happy on an index card,
Why did I leave it blank?

I couldn't think!
I didn't think!
Nothing makes me happy? Is that what it is?
Everything in my mind was going

Oh this makes you happy, right?

No! I hate that?

Oh, what about this!

I don't like it that much.

So I left the card empty and carried on.

The first day of school isn't always the best, right?
Every teacher forms you in a circle and tells you to say something about yourself.

But there's nothing to say.

What makes you special? The teacher asks.
And you don't have really anything to say other than the fact that you're not special and you're just like everyone else in the room?

But then the teacher says, there must be something! Look at your hair! It's very pretty.
Or look at your eyes!

But what the teacher doesn't know is that you don't like those things being pointed out.
You kinda hate those things and wishes they would carry on with the discussion.

By that time, they keep pushing and nagging you to participate.
And you look like a fool.

You look like a person with zero confidence in themselves.
And you start to wonder if that's who you really are?
Is it?

You start to forget about it.
When the teacher says these words.

We'll come back to you.

Wow! Now I have to make something up to not look like more of a loser.
Because in your classroom, being different and not relatable , is a bad thing.

Wow okay.

That went places.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I didn't really specify if I'm looking forward to it.