Always

Lost In A World Without You

When I turn over in bed and find that the other side is empty, I don't tense up like I use to. Instead, I merely sigh and sit up alone. Over the past three weeks that Peeta has been out of the hospital, he goes to bed with me at night and is already gone when I wake up.

Slowly I pull myself out of bed and try in vain to reach my shoes. . . I fail. Being eight months pregnant wouldn't be so bad if I could reach my feet or pull myself up, but this baby of mine won't allow that. So instead of shoes that lace up, I opt to wear slip ons. I pull my hair into a messy braid and open the door, only to run into the chest of my husband.

"I'm sorry." He immediately steps back as if touching me causes him pain.

"It's okay." I reply softly. He nods his head and walks in to the room quickly. "Peeta?"

He looks up at me and I suddenly because nervous under his gaze. "I'm suppose to be in command at 10:00." I pause and look at the ground before returning my gaze to his. "Would you come with me?"

He sits with a blank face before nodding his head and rising to his feet. "Of course."

His hand is large in mine and it feels so similar to the hand of the baker I fell in love with, but I know it's not him. On the outside Peeta has become the man he once was, strong and beautiful. But on the inside, he's just as scarred and hurt as he was when we rescued him. I want to believe that one day he will resemble his old self, but I'm starting to loose hope.

"Hey little brother!" Rye yells from behind us and Peeta only turns slightly to glance at him. "Are y'all headed to command?"

I nod my head and Peeta just stares off into the hallway. "Well I am too, so let's walk together."

"You know Coin is going to have it in for you." Rye says to Peeta.

"Oh yeah, and why is that?" Peeta questions.

"Everyone knows that she wanted you to be her Mockingjay and not Katniss. Now that you're here, but won't come to meetings. . .why don't you do that math."

"I don't really care what she thinks or wants." Peeta tells us and Rye and I glance at each other.

When the three of us walk through the doors of command, the stares we get cause Peeta to clench his teeth. Alma Coin sits at th head of the table with her hands folded in front of her.

She smiles coldly, before speaking. "Mr. Mellark, it's so nice to finally meet you."

Peeta's eyes dart back and forth thought the room before landing on her. "I suppose I could say the same."

"I'm sure Katniss has told you that we want you to be our spokesman. We need a man with a voice like yours to win this war." She says.

"Katniss has told me plenty; and quite frankly, I don't want to be your spokesman." He pauses as everyone becomes unsettled in their seats. "For almost two years, Katniss and I have been puppets for the Capitol. Our lives have never been our own to live, but we managed to work around that. So if for one second you think that I will be your toy. . . well then you have the wrong person." Peeta takes my hand in his and I smile proudly as I watch Coin stay silent.

"What about the life you want for your child? Don't you want him or her to live in a place where they can run free?" She questions and Peeta nods his head.

"Of course. But I don't need to be your pawn for that to happen." He fires back and the room falls silent.

"The son you lost will never live in a world where children are unharmed, and at this rate your other child won't either." She retorts and I watch as Peeta begins to break.

"I don't think that's really up to you, President Coin." He drops my hand and leaves the room. Everyone is silent and I wait for Coin to yell, but she merely shakes her head and dismisses us.

The door to our compartment is locked when I turn the knob, and I fumble around in my pocket for the key. When the sound of a click rings in my ears, I open th door to find my husband lying on the ground crying. He looks broken. For once, I see true emotion on his face. I just wish it could have been a positive emotion.

Instead, I'm staring into the miserable, guilt-ridden face of my husband. His haunted, angry eyes are filled to the brim with tears, just waiting to spill over and down his cheeks. His hands are clinched in fists at his sides, his shoulders are hunched with a weight that seems to force him to his knees. Helplessly, he looks up at me, eyes wide in a silent plea.

Only I have no idea how to help him.

Slowly, I approach him until I'm a foot from him. On his knees, his face is perfectly level with my stomach. Tentatively, he places a hand on my stomach. Almost as if he sensed his father's touch, the baby kicks at the spot where Peeta's hand rests. At the sensation, a single tear slips from Peeta's eye. Finally, he whispers, "I've missed too much." He glances up at me, the sadness in his eyes intensifying to a depth I didn't know possible. "You've gone through too much alone, because of me."

I know that what Coin said about our son has broken Peeta. And maybe he's right. Maybe I've gone through too much alone, but he's here now and that's all that matters.

"Peeta," I chide softly, running a hand through his hair. "I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you."

"Since when was doing the right thing so hard?" Peeta asks me as he glances at my stomach again. "I know that I did the right thing, but now—looking at all the pain I've caused you—it seems so wrong. I promised I'd be there for you and I wasn't."

"Peeta—"

"No!" Peeta suddenly jumps to his feet, running a hand through his hair as he begins to pace in front of me. "Katniss, you know it's true! Don't you see? Don't you get it? You're in love with a broken man!"

"And I love every broken piece of that man," I tell him gently, sincerely. "I love you."

"Why?" Peeta begs for an explanation, a reason. "How? How can you still love me? What can I possibly give you?" Tears begin to spill from his eyes in a steady stream. He quickly closes the distance between us, taking my face in his hands. Delicately, he caresses my face as he continues, "I know that I love you with all my heart." He chokes on a sob as he rests his forehead against mine. "I know that I do, but I just can't feel it! It—it just—hurts—too much."

"God, I've tried to feel," he whispers. "I've tried so hard, but it's like I can't reach it. I'm not capable anymore. I can't feel."

"Yes you can," I argue persuasively. "You're feeling now. You're angry. You're sad. You're guilty. That's still feeling."

"No it's not." He looks at me and his frown almost makes me break. "I want to be able to feel love again. I haven't felt anything since that cell." He sobs.

"What happened that made you this way?" The words are out before I can stop them and I clamp my hand over my mouth.

"You have to try and understand that when I was in that cell, I was lost. I was lost in a world where you didn't exist. And in that moment, death was the only thing on my mind. Death became my friend."

I blink slowly, realizing what he means. "You wanted to die."

"Yes."

A.N. I'm so sorry how long it took for me to get this out, but I just haven't had the time to write lately. Hopefully you weren't too mad. now we know why Peeta is SO messed up. But good news, babe will be back to normal soon. All he needed was a breakdown. Hope y'all liked this chapter!

Shoutout to 16gwitmer and jocelyn_pauta hope you liked this chapter guys.