Zodiac Signs

What I See When I Think Of The Signs

Aries: I see the drink Red Bull, and immediately do the "Red Bull gives you wings" in my head.

Taurus: I see a potato eating potato chips with Netflix on.

Gemini: I see Kat from Victorious, jumping up and down screaming like a shrill old lady that's about to die.

Cancer: I see a crab that walks along the beach with a cigar in one hand and the newspaper in the other.

Leo: I see Beyoncé with "This Girl is On Fire" or "Bow Down Bitches" playing in the background.

Virgo: I see a ten year old girl in a corner of a library playing with a knife.

Libra: I see a woman on a train using Tinder.

Scorpio: I see a scorpion stabbing someone to death or I see the devil yelling, "Good morning Vietnam!"

Sagittarius: I see a goat butting a mountain for eternity, or the goat climbing the mountain dancing.

Capricorn: I see my father twerking... and yes, I know what that looks like. Traumatic childhood.

Aquarius: I see a manatee plummeting into the ocean from a helicopter, traveling to Atlantis. Or I just see a flock of mermaids. Or a pod, whatever mermaids would be called in a group.

Pisces: I see a ghost getting high on weed. Or any other drug, for that matter.

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My dad showed me that he learned to twerk from this guy at work that looked like Jesus. My dad is a Capricorn, so that's why I think that.

Life lesson:

Jesus twerks.

And then shows family members that shouldn't know how to twerk how to twerk.

As I said, traumatic childhood.